How to tell if this is Normal or If He’s Just Not into You
You are trucking along fine. You’ve met a great guy. He’s calling all the time.
You go out and things are marvelous! You tell all your friends about the great
new guy you’re dating. You even start to think of him as your boyfriend. Then all
of the sudden, he stops calling. Or, he tells you to call him and he is suddenly busy.
Or, a week goes by with no contact and he forwards you one of those stupid joke emails. Or worse? He does none of those things, and when you see him out he says, “Where did you disappear to?”
Almost all men go through what we women have come to know and sometimes
hate as “The Pull Back Phase.” It can be a frustrating time.
But what is it? And how can you stop it? Well, unfortunately
it can be a normal stage that all relationships go through. So stopping it? Isn’t necessarily going to be an option.
I suppose the real question is, “Is it a pull back phase or is he just not that into me?”
That can be a tougher scenario to decipher. Most men, when they start getting close to a woman, go through a time period when they just aren’t sure how they feel about you. They ask themselves
questions like:
“What else might be out there?”
“Do I really want this girl to be my girlfriend?”
“How does this girl make me feel about myself when I am with her?”
“Do I like her?”
“Am I really that into her?”
Now, suffice it to say men and women are different. We can multi-task. But men tend to kind of go away while they are questioning. And they don’t even realize you are there, left high and dry, wondering and - YES! - waiting.
In the process, we tend to want to do, say, or be the right thing so we can go back to the way things used to be. We call him when he doesn’t call us. We send him an email saying we want to talk about the relationship. Or, in some cases, we play it cool long enough until we get to the point where we get so frustrated, we end up telling him about himself.
Here’s the rub; while you are doing these random acts of kindness to win him back over to your side, you are actually pushing him further away. You see, when he is just wondering how he feels about you (which EVERYONE should ponder at some point) and you are a step away from boiling rabbits, he can quickly form an unfavorable opinion! He might wonder: “What happened to this
girl? She used to be so cool and now she is like a stalker!” Not a good impression, eh?
So, what do you do in the dreaded pull back phase? YOU decide how you feel about HIM! Fill up your time with friends and family. Life is too short to wait by the phone!
Ask yourself:
“How do I feel about myself when I am in this relationship?”
“What kind of partner do I think he will make?”
“How am I feeling about him?”
“Do I want to spend more time getting to know him?”
Etc.
All is fair in love and pull back. You absolutely should be asking yourself the same questions he is asking himself. Use the time to really put this relationship in perspective. Down time can be a blessing!
Now let’s answer that other pesky question: Is it a pull back or is he really not into me?
If it sounds like:
“I have let him have his space during the pull back phase
and he came back, but not as strong.”
Or:
“He never came back!”
Both are strong possibilities if it is a phase designed to make some decisions,
you have to be ok with what that decision is.
See, we know when a guy isn’t into us. But the problem is we don’t want to believe it. We would rather believe that he is not ready to commit, he has issues, or he is just really busy. We want to believe those things because then? It can’t be us. But the thing is, it isn’t us anyway… it’s us and him, together. What I mean is, two people have to agree to want to be in a relationship. And no amount of willing, wishing or nagging will ever be enough to make it work if it just doesn’t work.
Remember: it’s important to have enough self respect to free yourself up so you can find what you are looking for. Go back to those questions I wanted you to ask yourself earlier and ask them.
Then ask these:
“Why would you want to be with someone who says he’s going to call and
doesn’t?”
“Why would you want to be with someone who disappears on you?”
“Why is that okay with you?”
It’s time to make it less about what he thinks about you, and more about what you think about yourself when you are with him. If he makes you feel bad, that’s bad! Make sense?
I also recommend that you take some time after you answer these questions to
set some boundaries.
“What are you willing to tolerate?”
“What kind of behavior will you accept?”
“What will it have to feel like for you to decide to move on?”
“What kind of relationship do you really want?”
Wrapping it up, YOU have the power to create the type of relationship you want!
Question is, “How long do you want to wait?”
Heidi Bilonick
Certified Professional Life Coach
717-343-9907
Copyright March 27, 2007. Heidi Bilonick All rights reserved. You may reprint this article if you do so in its entirety.