QUESTION:

Both of my out of control teens frequently slip into a rage, and it really scares me. They know how to break me and get what they want. I cannot keep my emotions in check. I get very, very upset. Any advice?

ANSWER:

I respectfully disagree with you when you say you “cannot keep [your] emotions in check” (what I call wearing a ‘poker face’). But you are not alone with this belief. Many parents with angry teens believe that wearing a poker face is impossible (i.e., showing no emotion when things are going wrong). But those same people have already done it!

For example:

Many people have received terrible service at a restaurant. But when the waiter asked, “How was your dinner,” they put on a poker face and said “fine.”

Many people have been pulled over by a police officer and received a speeding ticket even though they sincerely believed they were not speeding. But instead of telling the cop to “go to hell,” they put on their poker face, said “yes sir,” signed their signature on the ticket, and went on about their business.

You get the idea. It’s not a question of whether or not you can wear a poker face – you’ve already done it more times than you realize.

So, you too can wear a poker face – and you MUST “act as if” you are unaffected when things are going wrong, especially if your out of control teens have a propensity for slipping into rages.

Try very hard not to show any emotion when reacting to the behaviors of your teens. The worst thing to do is to react strongly and emotionally. This will just make them push you that same way again.

You do not want them to figure out what really bugs you. You want to try to remain as cool as possible while they are trying to drive you over the edge. This is not easy. But once you know what you are going to ignore and what will be addressed (in the form of a consequence), it will be far easier not to let your feelings get the best of you.

I’m NOT asking you to NOT be afraid. I’m NOT asking you to NOT get angry. But I am asking you to “act as if” you are not afraid …”act as if” you are not angry. This is a “fake-it-until-you-make-it” approach.

Practice doing it — then practice some more — then practice doing it again. Eventually, wearing a poker face will come as easily as “getting very, very upset.”

Mark Huttenlocker, M.A., is a family therapist who works with teens and pre-teens experiencing emotional/behavioral problems associated with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, etc. He works with these children and their parents – in their homes. You may visit his website here: http://www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com/support