There are certain behaviors you want to avoid as a parent, in order to raise your child in a happy and emotionally healthy home. Here are some forms of mistreatment, whether intentional or not, that must be dealt with, if present in your family, to avoid abusive behavior. Abuse hurts, and the pain lingers. The child tries to justify and fix things, and many times will blame his or herself for what happened, when it wasn’t their fault at all. I am a survivor of family issues but there is always a “hole” left in my heart, from having to make up for important behaviors (consistency, peace, acceptance) missing from those I love the most. Learn from what I went through.
Resentment
It’s hard being a parent, but for some, it’s just plain inconvenient. They didn’t really want the child, and try to hide it, but trust me - the child will know. It comes through in different ways, but the resentment does show itself if not dealt with professionally. If you harbor feelings of resentment towards your child over an unwanted pregnancy, please seek therapy because without it, you may show that frustration or anger towards your child unknowingly. It’s like a knife in the heart. Kids don’t need that sort of pain, which lingers into adulthood. So, nip those feelings in the bud by working through it with a kind and caring family therapist. It won’t hurt to check it out, and there are community programs for those with limited incomes. Some charge nothing or a minimal amount on a sliding scale fee.
Self Absorption
We all have many things to do in our daily lives. Hard-working adults struggle to balance work and home, and that is fully understandable. What I’m talking about here goes beyond lack of time. It is about the time you do have when not working. Do you do things together as a family or do you lead basically separate lives? Don’t let your kid feel left out, show them that they are more important than your television, projects or friends. It’s all about priorities. Self-absorbed people put themselves first at all times. They don’t really care about others’ feelings, because in their minds, theirs come first. It isn’t good for the self-esteem of a child to know that their parent or caretaker doesn’t care what they are asking, and isn’t interested in their resulting feelings. You grow up feeling like you don’t matter. Be sensitive to your child’s needs. Don’t put superficial things over the needs of your child. To many, this is a no-brainer, but for someone immersed in his or her own world, this is something that needs to be worked on.
Perfectionism and Criticism
This is a slippery slope, because we all want our kids to do well, but pushing too hard isn’t good, either. Don’t be overly harsh with your child on performance. Don’t name-call or make a habit of being overly critical with your child because kids want to please their parents and too much criticism can really hurt. If criticized and picked on too much, the child may just simply give up, feeling powerless over the situation. If the authority figure is never pleased, then why bother trying over and over, when the result is just more criticism? Consistency is important, too. Don’t be lenient on one thing, then overly critical on another. Try to be even-tempered, so your child can learn to know what to expect. If the behavior is uneven (one minute you praise, the next, you condemn), your child will learn not to know what to expect. This is incredibly damaging to the growing soul of a kid. It shows itself as lack of trust in people later.
Competitiveness
This sounds crazy, but some people are very competitive with their children. Creating an adversarial relationship with a child is not only detrimental to the well-being of the child but puts unneccessary stress on him or her. Nobody wants to compete with his or her parents. Without going into detail, this happened to me. It was painful and hard to understand. The family member in question always felt the need to “one up” me. I was a little achiever, winning art awards, and praise through the arts my whole childhood. This was a source of pride yet envy to one family member, who did nasty things to antagonize and put me down in different ways, such as spilling coffee on my drawing then blaming me for it. When I was older and money was tight, this person decided they were going to take high priced art courses at a college I wanted to take classes at, but couldn’t afford to at the time. So, they rubbed it in my face. I later took those courses myself, but never mentioned it to that member. I don’t choose to participate in competition, it’s not comfortable to me and I prefer to keep my achievements silent to avoid these issues. Competition with a child drives a wedge between the two of you. Don’t do it, find a healthy outlet elsewhere. If you are a “Type A” personality who likes competition, find something else competitive with others, but not your child.
Badmouthing Your Child to Others
This goes without saying, just don’t do it. Ok, if it is something justified like drug abuse or other behaviors that need to be corrected, that’s one thing. I’m talking about discussing private family disagreements to sway friends or others to dislike your child. If you do this, then seriously consider getting some help to correct this behavior. Trying to get others to take “sides” in personal family problems makes those outsiders uncomfortable and is embarrassing to those in your family. Plus, again, it drives a wedge between you and your family. Keep private family matters private, for everyone’s sake.
Blaming and Scapegoating
Don’t get caught up in the blame game. Would you rather be right or have a happy family? Who cares whose fault this or that is? Usually, the battle can rage on, and just causes animosity among its participants. Does it really matter whose fault it is? Combatants usually try to get others to rally on their side, and the whole mess escalates. Let it go. Unless it’s an issue of major importance (breaking of laws, etc), then don’t sweat the small stuff. Some people become addicted to blaming, and make scapegoats out of their children. It is painful and frustrating for a kid to grow up this way. It teaches shame, and sadness to the child, who begins to doubt themselves. This is the seed of insecurity and self-doubt. Don’t teach your child to second-guess his or herself by blaming for little things and picking on them about it. Just let it go. A child can become the family scapegoat if family members gang up and blame him for things not his fault. It is a very helpless feeling to be picked on in such an unfair and cruel way. Those doing the scapegoating are trying to push their insecurity onto the weaker person, the target. If this happens, stop and get help. Otherwise, the child can become badly scarred as an adult and be hypersensitive to blame.
Anger Management Troubles
There are degrees of anger, from mild annoyance to full-blown rage. Handle problems as calmly and as rationally as possible without blowing up. Kids watch and learn from what they see. Do they see a mature adult handling problems coolly, in control of his or her emotions? Whatever they see, they will learn. Threats and implied violence are other ways meant to control, and those are hurtful, as well. It is important to control anger, and show children that family is a safe place to be in. Home should not be a scary place. Throwing things, breaking objects and other aggressive tactics must be stopped. Vent anger elsewhere, but not at a child, who will see and remember everything done to him for the rest of his life. That is a legacy best not passed on to future generations.
These points are meant to show some of the main problems with child abuse. Parenting is hard, and everyone wants to do their best, so learn from others’ mistakes when you feel something isn’t going the way you need it to. Read books, talk to therapists or surf the net for more information. However you choose to learn up on different parenting techniques, I commend you. People who are truly sick are the ones who don’t acknowledge a problem and will blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. Most people mean well, and skills can be acquired. Good luck and remember to show love and stability to your child on a consistent basis. This is the greatest gift you can give.
Carolyn McFann is a scientific and nature illustrator, who owns Two Purring Cats Design Studio, which can be seen at: http://www.cafepress.com/twopurringcats Educated at the Rochester Institute of Technology in New York, Carolyn is a seasoned, well-traveled artist, writer and photographer. She has lived and worked in Cancun, Mexico, among other interesting professional assignments in other countries. Clients include nature parks, museums, scientists, corporations and private owners. She has been the subject of tv interviews, articles for newspapers and other popular media venues.