“How do I tell my boss that his idea really stinks and not lose my job?”

“Why is my co-worker stabbing me in the back?”

“How do I tell my vendor that we are not going to renew his contract?”

“The person next to me smells and I don’t want to offend him/her, and I want them to stop smelling.”

“Being gentle in the lunchroom and still getting my point across.”

“My boss won’t make a decision and I can’t move forward.”

“My co-worker is an Eyore or Schleprock and I can’t seem to get them to shut up.”

These were some of the questions that I posed the other day. And really, they are all the same question. “You have lost your mind” you say. “There is no way these very different questions are the same at all.” I say, let’s look at where they come from 1st.

All of these questions come from real life scenarios all of us have faced at one time or another. And it’s our ability to deal with them effectively that sets us apart from everybody else. And that is a skill, which means anyone can learn it.

Improve your skill set, improve your life. The more you learn and apply, the better your life becomes.

Earl Nightingale said “A mind stretched by an idea can never return to the original shape.”

So readers, here is the question as I see it.

“How do I make my point effectively while maintaining my relationship with the other person?”

I hear this type of question all the time. People want to communicate better. It is the ability to protect themselves and their self image and at the same time feel comfortable enough to be able to tell someone something that the other person might really need to know while respecting their rights. Think “Simon” on American Idol without insults.

It’s communication with tact. tact n. (takt) the delicate perception of the right thing to say or do without offending, commonly referred to as Assertive Communication.

This is where you are thinking about protecting yourself and at the same time honoring the other person’s rights. Basically, allowing them to be who they are, while you stay the way you are.

So there is some specific language you might want to use. It usually starts off with what is called an “I” statement. It might sound something like this.

“Bob, I’ve noticed some new ideas on that Parker project have come up. And after examining how they might fit with the ideas already presented, I can see some possibility of conflict. How do you see those ideas fitting in with what is already in place?”

“Mary, I’ve heard some comments that were not very flattering and quite frankly, somewhat insulting. I was wondering if there was something that you needed to say.”

“Gerry, I have some news regarding our business relationship. Our contracts are nearing expiration and we will not be renewing our agreement.”

“I am your co-worker and I think we can agree that being told something that needs to be corrected is what all of us would rather have than not knowing at all, and personal hygiene is important for working together, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Susan, I am quite sure of my position regarding ______. I have researched all of the options available and by far, this is the best possible solution.”

“Mark, I am sure that deadlines for the Beech project are in place, and must be met. I can meet those deadlines as soon as I have the go ahead on this memo. When can I expect an answer so that I can finish implementation?”

“Bill, I have only one minute for you right now. If that is not enough time, would later today at 1:00 pm for 10 minutes be enough time?”

In each case, there is not any accusatory language. And I specifically stayed away from making any apologies with any of these statements. When we are communicating most effectively, there is no need to accuse anyone or apologize for our statements. In every example I started off with an “I” statement that lets the other person know that this statement comes from my center and is well thought out. I also wanted the other person to feel they could respond in kind.

These are examples. All of these statements are designed to get you to start thinking about these and other situations and start practicing. Yes, practicing. In order for this to work, you have to take some of these statements and make them into your own. Or don’t use any of them and make your own from scratch. The important thing is for you to try. Practice them on people you know, love and care about. They’ll tell you if it sounded right or not.

Guess which one gave me the most trouble?

That’s right, the personal hygiene statement. It’s because I have to tell someone about something that is actually a part of who they are, not about business or a particular situation. And as long as I am addressing the behavior, I am on solid ground. I can’t address the person, or attack someone about who they are. I can address a behavior though, and as I wrote all of those statements, I really made sure I focused on that thought.

I would love to hear some more examples from any readers who have come across these and other situations, and how you handled it. I will take the top 10 and publish the results right here.

In the next article, we’ll be talking about personality profiling.

Leonard Buchholz is a Certified Trainer, Speaker and Author. If you are looking for a seminar leader that is “High Touch and Low Tech,” look no further. Leonard is known for energetic seminars that involve the participants. Seminar subjects include Customer Service, Difficult People and Difficult Situations, Management and Communications.
Reach him at leonard@bizprotraining.com or call 760-529-5635.