The stormy period is one of self discovery. This is the only level where there is a true readiness for marriage, or living together long-term, though many people will have married already in the ‘besotment’ stage. That’s unfortunate, because when they reach this kind of power struggle they will really wonder what has hit them. By the end of this stage you will be wide awake, making clear choices about yourself and your partner, based upon both individual differences and shared elements. You see clearly who you both are and what you individually desire – the only way for a healthy relationship.
If one of you is in the alignment stage (Stage 4) and ready for commitment, while the other is still in ’selection’ (Stage 1) or ‘besotment’ (Stage 2), that’s where expectations collide and the couple will either remain in the familiarisation stage or break altogether. If they are not already married, both parties will need to be ready for some form of alignment to allow for any further progress i.e. to decide whether to become a team to face a new world – one which may include children, to share a joint business venture, similar careers or other life choices. If already married, and assuming no resolution, the relationship will drag on negatively and ultimately break, no matter how long the couple has been together.
Givers and Takers
Evatt and Feld (1983) suggest that most marriages are made up of one ‘giver’ and one ‘taker’. Givers feel loved when they are giving and have trouble taking. Takers feel loved when they are receiving and love being adored. Unfortunately, givers eventually become resentful of doing so much for the taker and getting very little in return. The taker also becomes bored (and a little guilty) with the ever-faithful giving servant. Such imbalance can only lead to a lot of passive resentment or outright disaster.
I remember my ex-husband telling me, seven years into the marriage, how I had changed after I gained my degree from the Open University while holding down a job and looking after our son: that I was more selfish. I found that perception surprising because I thought I was the same person; that I loved him no differently, though I had new goals relating to my career. I suppose being more knowledgeable allowed me to see more options and to argue my corner with more confidence and conviction. As I had spent most of the early years trying to please him, with hindsight, the ‘new’ confident me perhaps seemed threatening to his position in the household.
It’s important to recognise that the issues change as you go through the years, so getting stuck in a vindictive morass is of little value. There will always be conflicts and how you resolve them is far more important than what you actually argue about. Dealing with divisive issues in a mature way is what counts the most and experts suggest three tips to help you handle conflict constructively. First, always face your problems head on. Unless you confront them they will merely build up and fester, keeping you stuck in the same position. Don’t wait for the tension to build until it explodes into an unproductive argument. By then, it is almost too late.
Teamwork is Best
Second, try to work as a team, not only doing things but resolving issues together as much as possible, each giving an input to emphasise the partnership. Work against a problem rather than against each other. You are both on the same side wanting the same things for an enjoyable relationship, not enemies preparing for battle. Scott Stanley, a clinical psychologist, points out that all couples disagree and sometimes disagreements turn into arguments. But if they remember to confront their problems as a team – and take the time to protect and deepen their friendship – “Their marriage won’t just survive, it will actually thrive”.
Finally, try to be best friends by trusting each other and valuing one another’s opinions and struggles. It shows a lack of respect and trust when one party feels that she needs to go outside the family to share opinions or to feel good about herself. Marital friendship will wither and die if it doesn’t receive adequate time and attention. So make time to share things, to walk, talk and review where you’re going, especially to assess whether you are both happy with the journey getting there.
I started our relationship being entirely honest with my partner, telling him everything positive and negative that happened in my family. With all my relatives abroad, I needed him as a confidant. I found, to my increasing anxiety and distress, that many things I told him about my relatives in confidence would be thrown back at me when we were arguing to make himself feel superior. I was deeply hurt and felt that my trust was being betrayed. I ceased telling him anything and confided in others instead, which only made our situation worse. I was then accused of preferring to confide in friends rather than in him. I couldn’t win at all. But the trust had completely gone and I had no wish to tell him anything else in view of that.
But that’s what happens when couples try to score points off each other. They lose sight of their goal of togetherness and protecting each other, gradually becoming competitive combatants instead of cooperative lovers.
ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, “Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!”