Grief is difficult at any age, but it is especially difficult for teens. As www.hospice.net notes, “Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults.” While teens are grappling with grief they are also grappling with emotional, physical, academic, and sometimes, family pressures.
Teen responses to grief are similar to adult responses, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). As Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, explains on the NIMH Web site, “The adolescent may feel extreme guilt over his or her failure to prevent injury of loss of life.”
Teen grief became very real after my daughter, a 45-year-old single mother of twins, was killed in a car crash. Teens learn from adults, but I am learning from my 15-year-old grandchildren. The things I have learned may help grieving teens in your family, school, or church.
INVOLVE TEENS. Teens want to have a say in whether to bury or cremate their loved one. Asking them to help with the memorial service is another way to involve them. Months from now, teens may wish to create a memorial, such as planting a tree in memory of their loved one.
ENCOURAGE TEARS. In his book, “The Language of Tears,” Jeffrey A. Kottler describes crying as a healthy and necessary human process. But teens may hold back tears and try to act strong. We can help teens by telling them it is OK to cry.
KEEP A ROUTINE. Routines are familiar and provide structure for teen lives that are out of control. More important, routines are often links to help lines — support groups, school/church counselors, and caring friends.
TELL STORIES. Talking about the deceased helps to keep that person alive in a teen’s mind. Teens want to hear funny, uplifting stories from family members and friends. They may wish to compile these stories in a memory book.
USE PEERS. Helen Fitzgerald, Training Director of the American Hospice Foundation, thinks teens often trust peers only. A church message board may help grieving teens more than formal counseling. Many teens write about grief on blogs and this is called P 2 P communication.
HUG CAUTIOUSLY. When strangers hear about a teen’s loss they often hug them. Teens may see these hugs as an invasion of personal space and privacy. Before you hug a teen ask him or her for permission.
BE GENTLE. You need to be a good, non-judgmental listener to gain a teen’s trust, according to Helen Fitzterald. So let teens know you love them and will care for them. “Support their ideas or gently introduce new ways to approach their ideas,” advises Fitzgerald.
SEE A FUTURE. Making plans for the future, such as going to camp, helps teens to see a future and the return of happiness. As BettyClare Moffatt explains in “Soulwork,” eventually we have to let go of grief. “Let tomorrow come in joy,” she writes. “Begin again. Begin now.”
Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance nonfiction writer for 28 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com. A five-star review of the book is posted on Amazon. You will find other reviews on the Americn Hospice Foundation Web site (”School Corner” heading) and the Health Ministries Association Web sites.
Copyright 2007 by Harriet Hodgson