There are few things I enjoy as much as helping someone create new beliefs about their abilities, and what they can expect to experience in the world they live in. This is accomplished through any number of methods that have proven useful over the years, but there are some that stand out more than others, as I think back on some of my most “enjoyable” moments with clients. It’s hard to explain the feeling I experience as I watch someone go through an undeniable “ah ha” moment, and observe the “fogged out” look on their face as their brain works to re-organize, and create a new “structure” from which they will think in the future.
While complex linguistic or language patterns, various forms of hypnosis, and leading edge techniques of influence can work near miracles for conveying ideas to the “right” part of a client’s brain, sometimes nothing beats letting someone physically engage in a process that will ultimately allow them to discover for themselves, what I might have otherwise told them.
Just around the corner from the room I usually see my clients in, is a large bookshelf that reaches from the floor to the ceiling, holding six different shelves of books. The only book with a red covering is the classic MOBY DICK, with the large black letters of the title clearly written on its spine. All of the other books are blue, black, or some varied shade of one of these darker colors.
During a session, when the time seems right, I’ll ask my client if they would go into the other room and get the book with the black cover, MOBY DICK. Now, the act of just walking in and grabbing a book off of this shelf, and coming back into the room they had left, should take less than 30 seconds…and that’s being really generous with the time allowance.
However, as I look at my watch, timing the process from the moment they get up, at least a full minute will go by, and then, I’ll hear “Are you sure it’s in here?” After assuring them that it is in fact there, and that all they need to do is look, I can sense their frustration building as they search in vain for the book I’ve asked for. I’ll usually “save” them after 3-4 minutes….which can seem like an eternity to them.
When I finally walk in the room, and pull the RED book, with MOBY DICK boldly written down the spine off the shelf, the responses are varied, but they are all some version of “Oh my god, I “saw” that book, I mean I looked right at it, but I didn’t see those words on the spine!”
So what happened? I mean how is it that these intelligent people were able to scan their eyes across this book, but not “see” it? The answer is simple.
By telling them the cover of the book was black, I had covertly set the frame of reference for how their brain would sort, as they scanned the many books held by this bookcase. Even though MOBY DICK was the only book on that shelf that was red, or even close to red, and should have stood out like a bottle of Bartles & James at a fine wine tasting event…. it didn’t.
Each time their eyes would move across the red book, and their brain would detect the color red….the DELETE function kicked in and the words MOBY DICK simply did not register. The brain had been instructed that the answer would only be found in a BLACK book, and even though they had stopped and read the title of every dark colored book on that shelf, it never occurred to them to stop and read the title of the RED book.
So let me ask you, what frames of reference have you instructed your brain to use for finding solutions? Have you unknowingly given your brain instructions that are the equivalent of a black covered book?
Let’s look at another function of a frame of reference: MEANING.
The frame of reference we hold will literally shape, alter and modify all incoming information. The recent firing of Don Imus at MSNBC is a tremendous example. At the time of this writing, a poll at MSNBC showed that almost half of the people feel that the two week suspension was too harsh, and that this was what Imus was supposed to do as a “shock jock”, while the other half were all but calling for him to be beheaded, feeling that the only feasible solution was for him to be fired.
But we see this everywhere don’t we? Although it varies at any given time, overall, when you look at all of the polls taken regarding whether the U.S. should pullout of Iraq, or, whether we should stay and fight, we’ll see that there’s an average 50/50 split.
Should Imus have been fired? It depends on which half of the Nation you ask. Should the U.S. stay and fight in Iraq? Again, it depends on which 50% you talk to.
Those who felt that Imus should be fired held a frame of reference that would “see” or identify with only that information which matched their “frame”, and would delete, distort, deny, or simply not “see” or “hear” that which did not. What about those who felt he was just doing his job? Same thing; the “frame” held by these people will function in exactly the same way.
When you wish to persuade someone else, working (at least initially) within their frame of reference or their metaphor will produce staggering results. Trying to impose your frame upon theirs however, will only result in a war of frames.
But let’s talk about you. Let’s momentarily forget about persuading others, and let’s just think about how we can use this knowledge to positively work with our own lives. Do you know what your frames are? Let’s start with one that is easy. Do you identify yourself as a Republican or a Democrat? If so, the chosen party is your frame, and depending on the strength of your affiliation, you will refuse to even consider some to all of the ideas proposed by the other party.
This gets a little more tricky. What is your frame regarding a marriage? Discipline a child? Handling finances? Health such as diet and exercise? Chances are, you know what you do regarding each of these areas, but my experience has been that very few people are aware of the frame of reference they have that drives these behaviors.
If you desire to change some aspect of your behavior, discovering the frames and beliefs that are behind the behavior can mean the difference between changing as smoothly as possible, and fighting against the current until finally, you collapse from exhaustion, and eventually drift back into the behavior you struggled to depart.
One of the easiest ways I know of to determine what you believe about something, and thus what frame you hold, is to ask a series of questions that will remove the camouflage that has been concealing these powerful drivers of our lives.
People generally reveal only one half of the structure of their belief. When someone says “Chevrolet Sucks, I’d never drive one!” we really have very little to work with. If however, you simply use one magical little word, they will gladly hand over the other half of the belief…the half you need if you hope to help them reconstruct a more useful belief.
When someone has stated something like “Chevrolet sucks…..” just look at them and say “because?” You’ll then get the half that supports the half they had stated. “Because I was driving back from Tulsa late on night, in a Chevy Malibu I had at the time, and the damn thing broke down at 2:00 am in the middle of no where!”
Knowing this, there are countless ways you can now deconstruct the belief they have been using since the breakdown, and help them build another one…..often times in simple conversation.
Can you see how listening all of your first half beliefs down one side of a paper, and then writing down the supporting half on the other side could allow you to see how weak some of your “supporting evidence” for your beliefs has been?
Here’s an example:
I will never be rich BECAUSE I don’t have a college degree
I can’t lose weight BECAUSE I don’t like to exercise
When we allow ourselves to only focus on the 1st half or the thoughts on the left side, we never call into play the “evidence” that has been backing up things from just below the surface. Once we do though, once we call them out in the open where we can really scrutinize them, we’ll often find ourselves delighted to discover how quickly we can punch these “reasons” full of holes.
In later articles I’ll discuss several powerful methods to use for punching the holes, but for now, enjoy watching much of the power you had mistakenly attributed to the “evidence” simply vanish when these thought forms are placed under the spotlight.
© Copyright 2007, Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.
Vincent Harris is a professional speaker, trainer, and consultant. He is an expert on the new science of happiness, positive psychology, and teaches others how to become the kind of speaker that can leave the audience spellbound. Join his Free weekly Newsletter today, a $97 value and a Free ebook ” A Step by Step System for Achieving Any Goal” , a $29 value, and a Special Report, ” How to Stop Offending People Unconsciously, and Win Them Over in Record Time” Just visit http://www.successpath.info or http://www.vinceharris.com