My wife and I decided that we had to do the Master Bathroom over because it was now 25 years old and really in bad shape. It did have to be done and we figured it wouldn’t cost too much to make it nice and contemporary. On the surface that would normally be correct but when you add this and you add that, you are suddenly over budget and overwhelmed. But you rationalize it because it is needed. Guys don’t really care too much about this sort of stuff. We generally don’t like too much change and we do things to make the little woman happy and to keep the peace. (Or is that piece?) After all, if it weren’t for women we’d probably be still living in caves. We would have still invented television to watch sports and porn but we’d be in caves just the same. But I digress.

The bathroom came out terrifically and looked like something you’d see in ‘House Beautiful’. All was right with the world again and life was good, with the exception of one minute problem; now the Master Bedroom looked cruddy and old in comparison. After all, that was 25 years old also. What should we do? What could be done? The answer was obvious to my wife. We should redo that room also just so that it all flowed nicely together as one. Hell, we could do it cheaply. The point was just to make it look new enough to compliment the now palatial Master Bath. I say palatial because it was all marble, polished brass fixtures, crown molding and all top of the line finishing touches. I mean, how could we skimp on a room we were going to use so much and did it really matter that not many would ever see it? It was for ‘us’…wasn’t it? So, one month and many underestimated dollars later, we had a brand spanking new Master Bedroom. Now, we could rest in comfort in our little lap of luxury and just enjoy what we had done.

We could now finally be proud of our accomplishments…if it weren’t for one last thing. The second bathroom was falling apart and time had really taken its toll on it and very soon, me, and although I saw it coming, I couldn’t get out of its way. Like the eye of a hurricane, it is only calm for a little while and then all hell breaks loose. The tiles were falling off the walls and coming up off the floor and there were some water stains, mold and mildew from years of abuse. After all, it was 25 years old and we were sure it could be done pretty inexpensively and stay within a small budget. It was a pretty small bathroom so it shouldn’t be too dear to fix up. Do you see where I’m going with this? How come I didn’t? Well, after another two months it was done and I must admit it came out beautifully.

We were finally done. I could see the sun shining through the clouds, the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, the finish line at the end of the race…I think you get the point. We now had an absolutely beautiful Master Suite and Guest Bathroom. NOTE: The last guest we had that stayed here was 23 years ago and so, I guess it was imperative that we got it ready for our next guest!

It was a shame though that when you walked in the front door, the foyer didn’t make a statement. It is, after all, the first thing you see when you walk into a home and it should reflect something about the people that live there…so said my wife. I felt that it did reflect something about the owners of this home and indeed did make a statement. It said that these people are obviously broke! But that wasn’t going to stop us, was it? Not according to my wife. It had to be done. The foyer was 25 years old too, remember? How could we live in such squalor? So, up came the old floor tile, down came the old wallpaper and oh yes, we have a little half bathroom right by the front door that couldn’t be ignored. We did the other two bathrooms didn’t we? We didn’t want to hurt the little bathroom’s feelings. How much could such a small half a bath cost? A pittance, in the words of Ralph Kramden. A mere bag of shells. I just didn’t care anymore. I had lost my will to fight it. I already needed a transfusion anyway and I was going down for the count. (Count Dracula, that is). The foyer was tremendous when it was done, a statement was made and the half bathroom became ‘the little bathroom that could’.

It was finally all over. It was a lot of work and a lot of money, but it was definitely worth all of the aggravation. The house was new and beautiful and if it just weren’t for the rugs it would have been perfect. But with all of the work that was done and with all of the trampling from bringing all the junk in and out of the house through the past months, the rugs had been ruined and just had to be replaced. You can only steam clean them so much, I was told, before they have had enough and don’t forget, they were 25 years old. They were due to be changed and changed they shall be. So was the new law of the land.

Could this be it? Could this be the pinnacle? The accumulation of all we had achieved in such a short span of time? I certainly thought so. But being an entertainer, having many friends and both of us coming from such close families, we have many parties and social gatherings. And no matter how many people we have over here at one time for any such event, we inevitably all end up in the kitchen. There would sometimes be as many as 40 people huddled in the kitchen at one time, which was hard with such a small room. Thank God we had a solution for such a problem. We could redo the kitchen and make it bigger. After all, it was 25 years old now and its time had come. The appliances were old and archaic, the floor was the original linoleum and the counter just didn’t have enough space for entertaining so many people at one time. Not to mention that there weren’t enough seats at the table for everyone.

But enough was enough. We had added a booth, garden window and new back door just the year before. I had to finally tell my wife that I was tapped out and that was that. We just weren’t going to do anymore at this time. I hated to do it but I had to put my foot down and stand my ground. So, we knocked out the back wall of the house and added a large conservatory room that became part of the new kitchen, with an ideal large granite counter that wraps around the entire room and another one with bar stools for more seating. We got all new appliances and changed the whole layout of the room altogether to make it perfect for any occasion. And I must say, that it is truly perfect and worth every penny I didn’t have. The new conservatory is all windows from top to bottom and overlooks the deck and back yard. The back yard is breathtaking with gardens and an enormous built-in pool, gazebo, arbor, retaining walls, bridge and pond and a little shed that looks like a small version of our home. Did I mention that I did all of that work myself from the years 1999 to 2005? After all, the back yard was 25 years old, not very nice and just had to be redone.

The house was now complete, finally! Was it all worth it? Yes. Would I do it all again? Probably. Did I wish that I had never started this whole thing to begin with? Ask my wife. Would I rather have sold the house and let the new owners worry about all the 25 year old things? YOU BET YOUR ASS!! That’s what I have been trying to say here. Don’t start, don’t begin and don’t even entertain the idea of starting a little weekend project unless you are ready for the consequences of your actions. Sell, rent, live in a tent or go on the road. Hell, go live in the woods and commune with nature. You’ll still have money in your pockets and won’t have to even think about such things. No pressure, no ‘statements‘ and you won’t have to worry about where the bathroom is or how it looks. Anyway, that’s my advice. You can take it or leave it. It’s entirely up to you. And so as my wife and I are now redoing the outside of the house with stucco, siding, new balconies, landscaping, pavers for the driveways and new fixtures because they are all 25 years old and they just have to go, I only have one more thing to say to you…

Good freakin’ luck and don’t say I didn’t warn you! I can see the future and it’s expensive. We have twin girls and they are almost college age, but that’s another story for another time and one I don’t relish thinking about at the moment. Let me just end with this one last thought; looking back, I am surprised my wife has kept me around as long as she has. After all, I’ve been here for 25 years now and with the frequency of things being replaced around here, I know that I am most definitely on borrowed time.

Thanks for reading from,

THE COMEDY TORNADO!!
http://www.comedytornado.com

Remember when we were kids? We would do funny things just for laughs. We laughed at just about anything. Laughing was fun! Well, what ever your reasons are for lack of laughter, here are three proven important health benefits of laughter.

First, laughter boosts our immune system. Simplify stated, the immune system is what all humans and living organism have to recognize and reject all substances foreign to themselves. When we laugh, we raise our immune response. As a result of a good belly laugh, we can improve our health.

Second, Laughter reduces pain by stimulating the release of endorphins, a natural substance found in the brain and other parts of the body to kill pain. Endorphins can be more potent than equal amounts of morphine. They act as a strong pain killer by interacting with the central nervous system. A message is sent to our brain with the proper instruction to relieve our discomfort to pain.

Last, laughter dissolves negative feeling. Feeling like, distrust, rejection, anger, and depression. When we are engaged in laughter, we force change to our biochemical state to release the necessary chemical balance to give us a sense of happiness. We can avoid health problems such as, high blood pressure, upset stomach, headaches, stroke, rashes and heart disease by making laughter a part of our your daily activity.

So you have it! You can feel healthier and happier when you incorporate laughter into your daily activity. By doing so you can stimulated your immune response, reduced pain, and dissolved negative feeling.

To learn more visit:
http://www.justforlaughterts.com and get a free 3 night & 2 Day Vacation to over 30 Designations

On Dec 21, 2012 the world as we know it is going to come to an end.*

Whether it will be total Armageddon or a major social upheaval or if it will be perpetrated by an inescapable natural event or will be the result of our own doing, no one knows.

Regardless of the details the prospect of the end of days begs one important question.

How will this affect my credit?

A human extinction scenario opens exciting financial possibilities for the average American to maximize their capital resources. Best of all you don’t need any business skills; everything you need is already in your wallet and waiting for you in your mailbox.

Most Americans have dreams that they believe they will never be able to achieve because of financial limitations. They already have debt they are frantically trying to pay off and many fear everyday for their financial futures. But if you consider that 2012 is merely half a decade away you really do not have a financial future anymore.

So how can you live your dreams before the end?

The amount of available credit you have is commonly referred to as “potential debt” and is considered to be a bad thing. However with the impending extermination of mankind it now becomes “potential wealth” and is your key to living your dreams.

The first step is to take all of those credit cards you have hidden away out again and start spending. Also stop tossing all those credit card offers in the trash and take them up on their generosity regardless of interest rates. Every new card is more potential wealth.

The next step is to reduce the amount you are paying back to the minimum payments. This alone can put hundreds of dollars back in your pocket. But don’t get overzealous and stop paying altogether. If you do not make at least the minimum payments you are in violation of your credit agreements and your creditors can cut you off. You don’t want that yet.

Finally take advantage of those courtesy checks that are attached to your monthly statements as well as cash advances. Not only are they great for situations that you cannot use credit cards you can use them to pay one card with another keeping even more cash in your pocket.

The important thing is to pace yourself, if you do too much at once you will raise red flags and again your creditors will cut you off. Eventually however even your minimum payments are going to become burdensome. At this point you can simply stop paying, very soon after your creditors will cut you off but if you were a savvy credit user you should have been able to take advantage of around 80% of your credit. For the average American this can be upwards of $40,000.

But what if the end does not come?

There is always the potential that this, like in the past, is a false alarm and life will carry on as usual. Not to worry, even if the end does not come your credit resets itself every seven years, so depending on when you reached critical mass you simple have to wait a couple of years and start over.

But it is unlikely that this will happen, 1999 and 2001 were both false alarms so the third times a charm as they say. The real question is how foolish will you feel if the conclusion to mankind is near and the only thing you accomplished in your final days was maintaining your 720 credit score?**

*According to some interpretations of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar used by the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica the Mayan system is believed to predict the beginning and/or end of a major cycle in history, the “end of the world,” or the “dawning of a new age” on or around the period of time surrounding December 21, 2012. The significance of this period-ending to the pre-Columbian Maya themselves is unclear however, it is conjectured that this may represent in the Maya belief system a transition from the current Creation world into the next.

**This article is written as a work of fiction. Sylk Magazine has neither conformed or disproved the end times and is not responsible for damages, financial or otherwise, incurred from following the advice in this article. Some actions described above could constitute credit fraud, Sylk Magazine does not advocate credit card fraud or any other illegal financial activities and warns that following the information set forth in this article could cause irreparable damage to your credit and is not recommended.

On the other hand… What if the world was ending?

It was Eddison or Einstein, or some other genius whose name begins with an ‘e’ who said genius is one per cent inspiration and 99 per cent perspiration. Of course none of them wrote poetry. Even less funny poems. At times the inspiration packs its bags and goes on holiday, and all that is left is perspiration.

So I would love to compel your sympathy by explaining how how I have agonized over each golden word of this poem, cried over every beautiful phrase, and burrowed for the perfect rhyme, rhythm and meaning. How much know-how has gone into the use of the tools of the trade of word smith. How many cups of coffee have have been my only companion on sleepless nights.

I’d love to, but I can’t!

Sometimes, writing funny poetry, the words just fall into place, seemingly wandering in off the highway of ideas as though looking for a seat in the shade to take the weight off their feet. (And I don’t drink coffee either!) That seems to apply a lot to my dotty ditties; and here is one of those that mentions feet.

dotty ditty 113

Do You Walk With Your Feet?

Do you walk with your feet

On the pavement or street

And greet who you meet

On the way?

Does your head bounce around

With each step on the ground

(Well, that’s what I’ve found),

And you sway?

Do you see each fresh sight

In a very new light

When spring is in flight

And it’s May?

Well, you must be a friend,

So this message I’ll send:

To be happy do tend -

Every day.

© Joseph Harris

Chacha Joe (aka Joseph Harris, aka Uncle Joe) claims to be the funniest poet on the web and produces Smile Poetry Weekly ezine on http://www.smilpoetryweekly.com

Some hundreds of poems are in his Dollar Poets series. He has also written When Nature Calls - Looperman Is Ready, with cartoons by the South African cartoonist Myke Ashley-Cooper; this is on http://www.looperman-is-ready.com

Batty Balls and Other Wicket Wit was written for cricket fans with Indian co-author Gunjan Saraf and is on http://www.ah-mah-son.com

A lack of social grace
One morning I was enjoying my favorite hobby (smoking) and I heard the tenants next door walking towards me. Though we had never met face to face I had heard them many a nights having intercourse like their lives depended on it. When they approached we exchanged names and spent a few minutes making conversational bullshit. The boyfriend then grinned and asked if they kept me up at night. Against my better judgment (a common problem in my life) I replied that it was ok because the sound of their lovemaking synced up nicely with the sound of myself crying into my pillow. The two paused in awkward silence, not sure if they should laugh or just start walking away. I then tried to explain to the lovebirds that I was merely joking. They never talked to me again.

Drawing blood and scaring children

I was working at the barber shop. We cut lots of kids. One such child screamed ouch every time I touched his head with the clippers while his mom stood by and said “Aw sweety, does it hurt?” Out of desperate frustration I jammed the clippers into my arm and grunted “See it doesn’t hurt!” Well, sure enough my arm started oozing blood, the kid started to cry, the mom yelled at me and I became an alcoholic.

A day at the races

So today my family celebrated the Resurrection of Christ by going to the race track and betting on the ponies. Not to long after we got there we noticed that the elderly woman next to us had either passed out or died. Our curiosity got the best of us and we decided to poke her with a fork to see if she would move. She didn’t, so we took the betting slip out her hand and collected the five bucks she won.

A few hours later the track trumpeter started playing happy birthday for someone down the row. I had been drinking pretty heavily and stumbled down the aisle to find the bathroom. When I tried to walk around the trumpeter I tripped and bumped into him causing the trumpet to make a strange farting noise while knocking out his front teeth. I was escorted of the premises and asked not to come back. Maybe next year we should just go to Denny’s.

-Owen Teach

I don’t know if anyone will remember this most unusual happening that took place sometime in the late 1950’s in Monticello, Arkansas. Although I don’t remember any special occasion, all the school is there, waiting to hear a small country and western band perform in the local high school gymnasium.

In those days the gym was located between the grammar school buildings on the east and the junior high school building on the west. The two-story red brick high school building was located nearby on the north with other miscellaneous buildings scattered about on the west side of town.

The gym, built several years before was constructed in the style of the day with steep wood bleachers that creaked with your every move and a small elevated stage area at the east end of a highly buffed hardwood floor. A basketball goal majestically hung at each end of the court leaving no doubt as to the purpose for the man made arena.

That day, the old building is bursting at the seams. There is not a crack to be seen in the row after row of anxious faces where you could place another single child. Teachers, faculty and a few staff members occupy several brown metal folding chairs, arranged at the east end of the hardwood floor.

Near the outside entrance between the stands and the stage, Mr. Ross, the superintendent of schools, stood with his arms folded, patiently waiting his turn to introduce the band and explain the purpose for everyone being there. Meanwhile, piece by piece, the band members set up their equipment under the east basketball goal, properly arranging the instruments and cables so that so that they are orderly and convenient.

The band leader, a very good looking tall individual wearing a white cowboy hat and sporting a wonderful dark tan, would seem to be every girl’s dream. He smiles broadly as the stands erupt into a loud roar as each member of his group is recognized.

Once his supporting cast is introduced, the leader takes his turn and steps forward. He removes his hat and bows to the anxious throng of fans in the traditional cowboy manner, revealing a neatly trimmed but almost completely bald head.

In an instant the moment is changed. The audience is hushed and stunned. But just as quickly the singer whirls and sails his white sombrero through the nearby basketball goal and retrieves it on the first try. A trick obviously meant to take an over anxious audience’s mind off his shinning pate and put it on his music, a part of him that also shined.

As he returned the hat to his head and struck a chord on his guitar, the band is again greeted by a loud uproar with everyone standing and clapping to show their approval for the band being there.

I’m sure we had a wonderful time listening to the events that followed, but what I remember most was the instantaneous change in tempo from the roaring applause to dead silence, just for a moment as the overhead lights bounced off the smartly dressed cowboy’s head into our eyes and into our minds.

Benjamin J Cox is an author, novelist, poet, speaker, writer and humorist. He has written a book, Insider Dreams, a 911 Novel. He was born on a dirt street in a Waldron, Arkansas, in 1943. He graduated from the University of Tulsa with a degree in Electrical Engineering. He is married with three children, five grandchildren. He is the President of Mayes County Writers Club, the Treasurer of Pryor Creek Investment Club and a member of Will Rogers Toastmasters Club. He is retired and lives with his wife in Pryor, Oklahoma. He like to run, enjoys big band dancing, Speaking before groups, and writes every day.

Has House Speaker Nancy Pelosi been having secret talks with Osama bin Laden? This chilling phone conversation may disturb you. Rumor has it that it’s a wiretap of Pelosi’s office. Is it? You be the judge.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in her office, behind her desk. The phone rings.

Nancy (picking up the phone): Hello.

Male on other end (Middle Eastern accent): Hello, is this Nancy Pelosi?

Nancy: Yes it is.

Male: Can you hold please for one second, my boss would like to speak with you.

Nancy: Who is this?

Another male on the other end (also Middle Eastern accent): Hello, Nancy.

Nancy: Who is this?

Male: I’m a great admirer of yours. (a few seconds of dead silence) This is Osama.

Nancy: Osama?

Male: Yes, Osama bin Laden.

Nancy: The terrorist?

Male: Oh, please, you’re too kind. I like to think of myself as an absentee Bush-basher.

Nancy: Can I help you?

Osama: You already are.

Nancy: How’s that?

Osama: What I couldn’t do by crashing planes into buildings, you do with your tongue.

Nancy: Listen here Mr. bin Laden …

Osama: Oh, please, call me Osama.

Nancy: Whatever … look, I have nothing to do with your devious plots.

Osama: Nancy, Nancy, we have so much in common … you hate George Bush, I hate George Bush. You want the troops out of Iraq, I want the troops out of Iraq. You go to Syria to get help from Assad, I go to Syria to get help from Assad. Of course, there’s a little difference — I know he’s on my side, you THINK he’s on your side. But that’s a minor difference. The point is, we like the same people, we hate the same people … why, it’s almost like I have a twin sister. Say, were you born in the Afghan mountains on …

Nancy: … no, I was not born in the Afghan mountains …

Osama: … it’s strange that you should say you have nothing to do with my plots. I keep telling my men this, but they don’t believe me. They think you’re on my payroll. And I keep telling them, no, no, her work is all pro bono (whispers) that’s “free” in legal …

Nancy: … yes, I know what that means. Osama, I love my country.

Osama: Ah, what’s love got to do with it? Listen, Tina … I mean, Nancy, you’re a better person than I am. I knock down a few buildings, and Americans hate Muslims. You open your mouth, and Americans hate Americans. I could never do the kind of damage you do. If you became president, I could cut my staff in half — I could let go 300 suicide nuclear-bomber trainees and 21,000 virgins.

Nancy: Is this what you called about?

Osama: I called to invite you to be my guest.

Nancy: Your guest?

Osama: Yes, I’d like to give you a ticker tape parade.

Nancy (thinks for a second): I don’t know …

Osama: … Nancy, Nancy, in my part of the world you’re a hero. You want to disappoint so many fans?

Nancy: Do I get my own 747?

Osama: We don’t fly 747s in the mountains. But I can guarantee you a late-model, fully-loaded donkey. It gets 75 miles per bucket-full of feed, it has a saddle with a 5-speed massager, chrome-plated hooves, a rear wiper, and a surgically implanted GPS.

Nancy: Why, that’s very generous of you. (thinks for a second) Say, why don’t you come to Washington, instead? Run for office. Hating America has become so American, I can guarantee you’ll get 90% of the liberal votes on a bucket-full of what your donkey drops on a good afternoon.

Osama: Wouldn’t I need a bull for that?

Nancy: No, we don’t feed ‘em bull anymore. The rules have relaxed. Any close facsimile will do.

Osama: You sound pretty sure about this.

Nancy: I’m here, am I not? Have you heard me put forth one plan to help this country’s economy or terrorist problem? Nothing — zip. And they love me.

Osama: But you’re a grandmother.

Nancy: That’s true. But what other qualifications do I have for being House Speaker?

Osama: I hear you. But how would I get Americans to vote for me?

Nancy: Are you kidding? With your talents you could convince Americans that if they vote for you they go to heaven and get 70 hotdogs and two tickets to the World Series.

Osama: I like that idea. (thinks for a second) How come hotdogs don’t work for my people?

Nancy: For suicide, you have to promise them a little more than hotdogs. Here, all you’d be asking them to do is hand over the country to you. They do that every four years for a good song-n-dance.

Osama: Nancy, you are brilliant.

Nancy: Now, isn’t this a lot better than blowing up buildings?

Osama: Yes, a lot better, and a lot safer.

Nancy: Safer? Don’t tell me (with a smirk) you’re afraid of …

Osama: … of being killed? Of course.

Nancy: What about those seventy virgins?

Osama: Come on, you think I believe that nonsense? Nancy, you and I are in the same business. You don’t have to believe what you convince the people of. You just have to make sure they believe that you are convinced of what you want them to believe.

Nancy (with a smile): Well, that’s not very bright of them, is it?

Osama: Exactly. Dumb people are our best customers. I don’t think even my donkey believes what I say.

Nancy: I see big things for you here in America. You could bring back free speech to college campuses. Some of those kids still think free speech means you can say whatever you please.

Osama: I have to admit, that’s what I thought free speech was.

Nancy: No, no, that’s anarchy. Free speech means you have the right to agree with the most belligerent party.

Osama: That’s beautiful. I can’t wait to work with you. So what’s the first step? How do I slip into the country?

Nancy: Oh, that’s the easy part. You slip in through the Mexican border. Then you go …

Osama: … what if I get stopped?

Nancy: They won’t stop you.

Osama: But they stop Mexicans all the time.

Nancy: You’re not Mexican. You look like a terrorist. They can’t stop you — that’s racial profiling — you can sue them for that.

Osama: I wish I had spoken to you ten years ago. I’d be in Washington now and George Bush would be hiding in the Afghan mountains.

Nancy: Once you’re inside, you go directly to Bank of America and open a bank account. From there, you go to the DMV and get yourself a driver’s license.

Osama: Won’t anybody recognize me?

Nancy: Nah, Al Gore made such a big stink about global warming — it’s been so all over the airwaves — people forgot who you are. They think you sell fried chicken or something. If you want to play it safe, take off that turban and put on a sombrero; they’ll think you’re a Mexican Santa Claus with anorexia.

Osama: I don’t know if Allah will like that.

Nancy: Don’t worry about Allah. Play your cards right and you won’t be bumpin’ into him for a while. As soon as you have your ID all set up, head straight for my office.

Osama: But won’t there be some scrutiny by your colleagues, like, who am I, my background?

Nancy: Leave that to me. I’ll tell them you’re an illegal alien, you’re gay, your grandfather was a black slave in Oklahoma, you live on an Indian reservation, and you just got a sex-change operation — no one will dare say a bad word about you.

Osama: Now, that sounds like a plan. Leave the key under the mat if you step out.

Nancy: Will do.

by Josh Greenberger
from shopndrop.com

Josh Greenberger: A computer consultant for over two decades, the author has developed software for such organizations as NASA’s Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author’s literary works have appeared in such periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and others. His articles have ranged from humor to scientific to topical events. Visit his site: shopndrop.com

There are some things that can be said about all Mark Twain quotes, regardless of which one it is you’re referring to. One, they’re witty. Yes, Mr. Twain was one witty character. Two, they bring a smile to your face. Whether you’re smiling because you think it’s funny or you’re smiling because you completely relate (even if a bit embarrassingly), Mark Twain quotes can crack a grin on the most stoic of faces.

Here are 16 Mark Twain quotes to get you smiling during Humor Month (April).

1. “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

2. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

3. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

4. “A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

5. “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

6. “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”

7. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”

8. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

9. “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

10. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

11. “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”

12. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.”

13. “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.”

14. “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

15. “A man who carries a cat by the tail is getting experience that will always be helpful. He isn’t likely to grow dim or doubtful. Chances are, he isn’t likely to carry the cat that way again, either. But if he wants to, I say let him!”

16. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do… Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain was one of America’s true treasures. Not often is it that we can find a man who can touch us so deeply with the written word. Inspiration, reflection, humility, confidence, wisdom, and (of course) laughter — Mark Twain quotes can give us all of this and more.

For more Mark Twain quotes, check out the popular Mark Twain quotes section of Famous-Quotes-And-Quotations.com, a website that specializes in ‘Top 10′ lists of quotations in dozens of categories.

Do you always end up playing beer drinking games when you are with your friends? If the answer is yes, you probably end up playing the same beer games every time. If you want to spice up your Friday and Saturday nights a bit more, you can introduce a new game to your friends. Remember that if you want to play drinking games, you should make sure to offer your guests non-alcoholic beverages, such as water or coffee, and some snacks to help soak up the alcohol. Being a good friend means that you respect your friends, so if someone wants to quit, let them. Otherwise, have a good time, and enjoy playing this game during your next night out with the boys, a co-ed party, or a bachelor party.

There are tons of different beer games to play, but what you really need is a game that will get everyone excited and laughing. The name of the game is Flash. It is best played with at least four or five players, but the more players that you have the more fun (and difficult) it becomes.

Everyone sits in a circle so that each person can see every other person. Make sure to keep a bit of room in between each player for people to join in at any time, and to give yourself a bit of space to flash your sign.

Each person chooses a hand gesture or funny face that will represent him or her. It doesn’t matter what the face or gesture is, as long as it is short. Your hand gesture or face can be flirty, rude, exotic, or anything else, but make sure that you choose one that you can easily remember.

Go around the circle one time and have each person perform his or her hand motion or funny face. Make sure that you can remember as many of your friend’s gestures or faces as possible, because it is going to help you in the game.

To get the game going, you need to get a steady rhythm or beat going. You can easily do this by having everyone tap their feet two times and then clap their hands once.

One person starts by performing his hand motion or face, followed immediately by someone else in the group’s gesture. Keeping in time with the rhythm, this person must then perform someone their hand motion followed by someone else’s gesture.

When a player breaks the rhythm, either because they weren’t paying attention and didn’t see their gesture or face, or they can’t come up with someone’s hand gesture, they have to drink. The amount that each player drinks when they lose should be determined before the game starts. You can all drink the same amount of beer, or you give people special handicaps based on their drinking abilities.

After the penalty period, play begins again the same way as before, with the person who just had to drink starting up the action. If you think the game is too easy, you can speed up the tempo a bit to make things go a bit faster!

Flash is a great game, because it gets everyone loosened up a bit and also gets people moving a bit. If you want to get your next party or gathering going, you can try to play this beer drinking game. The game is also good for getting people talking and interacting with each other; for example, if you are playing with a cute girl, you can guarantee that her eyes will be on you when it is your turn to flash.

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Pete Townshend once said that if you don’t want people to know anything about you, then don’t write songs.

This, admittedly, could be bias on Pete’s part, as he writes a lot about child abuse and mental problems and other parts of his traumatic upbringing. If you were to write, say, a song about your girlfriend leaving you, it wouldn’t give too much away as you’d be on safe ground; it’s happened to pretty much everyone with the exceptions of the Pope and Mick Jagger.

This is beside the point, though.

I only mention the song writing comment because, questionable though it may be, it does have a kernel of truth in it. Absolute truth, however, would come more in the form of “If you don’t want anyone to know anything about you, don’t write and then post the pieces on the internet.”

Because, frankly, I’m showing quite a lot of myself these days, and tonight will be no different as I’m going to tell you about another one of my little foibles.

I like to go shopping at weird hours.

My job is partly to blame in that I work late hours and my route home often takes me past a 24 hour supermarket, but I’m fairly sure I’m the sort of person that would still enjoy impulse buying at 1am even if my job didn’t push me in that direction.

Another reason is that I have trouble sleeping. Tonight, on my way home, I decided to go and buy some sleeping pills.

Frustratingly, because the pharmacy was closed, there were none to be had. Any other ailment in the world could have been dealt with. I had at least fifteen options for dealing with constipation, and (I just love this) on the opposite side of the same aisle were a similar number of products to deal with diarrhea. A mischievous part of my brain wanted to buy an equal number of both products and take them simultaneously, just to see what would happen. Theoretically, I would stay exactly regular, although I was slightly worried that the more left-field option would win out and I would explode.

There was the option for vitamins to take care of me and my baby (which is really a great leap for medical science when you consider that I haven’t even conceived one, yet) and enough cod liver oil to completely submerge a city the size of Milton Keynes, which is no bad idea.

Lacking the ready money to buy enough oil to drown Milton Keynes was not my biggest disappointment of the night, however. As I say, you can apparently only purchase sleeping pills from the pharmacy, which closes at nine, meaning that you can’t get sleeping pills at night.

Something, which I’m sure you’ll agree, should be instantly put in the mental file marked “QUITE IRONIC.”

Undeterred, I decided to abuse my body in other ways. (Self abuse does tend to help one sleep, but this is not what I meant.)

I wandered over to the bakery section and scrounged around the derelict looking shelves until I found a 2-pack of chocolate croissants.

Sometime around midnight, I usually become ravenously hungry, so this was an unfortunately necessary purchase.

I made my way to the tills via the pizza aisle, which made me really want a pizza, and the drink aisle, which made me REALLY want a pizza, although I’m not sure why, and that’s when the trouble started.

For some finicky reason, at 1:30 in the morning, the powers that be decide that only one cashier is necessary. So, I took my place in line behind five other people, all of whom had heavily laden baskets.

I say “all”, one woman had just a tube of Bonjella, but she had brought her three kids with her. I’m still trying to imagine a set of circumstances where you would need to drag your three kids out of bed in the small hours just to buy ointment for your gums. I can’t help but feel there’s an interesting background to that one.

Ahead of her were two nubile 18 year old girls who were making me feel old. Their presence didn’t, but one of them was wearing the type of outfit that leaves her lower abdomen and the small of her back exposed, and my only thought was not remotely sexual, but rather “It’s raining out, it must be weird to only have your hips getting wet…”

I blame the fact that I was tired, I really do.

Behind the two girls was a guy who had clearly done some serious shopping, which, in my book, is against the rules.

The whole reason I love being in supermarkets at 1am is the sheer strangeness of the items you find yourself buying. A friend of mine, no word of a lie, once had to buy baby oil and was hungry, so bought himself some bananas, too, and didn’t realise how suspicious this looked until he came to pay.

The gentleman in the queue, however, had nothing that diverting. The only things I could see that were remotely interesting were DVDs, and he was clearly the sort of person who didn’t realise that if you can buy a film - an entire motion picture, one that had a budget and actors that were paid to appear in it and everything - for 97 pence, it’s probably not going to be very good.

My mother is a sucker for that. She’ll buy DVDs for a pound on the rationale that “It was only a pound and it might be good” without ever realising how heavily the odds are stacked against that outcome.

The rest of his basket consisted of about twenty assorted grocery type items, and the girls had a similar number. All in all, I was fifth in the queue.

I began to wonder just how much I wanted two croissants.

I was considering mentioning this to a man who had just joined the queue behind me, as I could see he was holding very little, but a surreptitious inspection of what he had let me see that it was something medical.

This is another thing I love; aside from random items you would never think to put in combination, there’s a strata of people who are in the supermarket at that time of the night because they’re too embarrassed to go in daylight hours.

This was the main reason I didn’t speak to the guy. I didn’t want to start talking to someone who was buying genital wart cream or a Bon Jovi CD or some sort of bandage for a ruptured anus, because I doubt he would have been in the mood for small talk.

“What brings you out at this hour?”

“I had to buy some cream after being violently made love to in the ass for too long. You?”

Having bought my croissants from a checkout girl who seemed to think I was as big a loser as I did for having stayed in the queue so long for that one item, I got back in the car and went home. I may not sleep, but hey. At least if I want to drug myself unconscious during daylight, I’ll know where to go.