Have you ever wondered: Why is our relationship so hard? Things were so perfect when we first met - what happened? Most likely, the answer is that you’ve left the first stage of your relationship, and have moved into another. But could it really be that easy?

Yes! Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time… but what many people don’t know is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it’s likely that you’ll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase – do any of this sound familiar?

Before we get started, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order, and will need to resolve the challenges in each stage before they can move successfully on to the next. Of course there are always exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you can’t get out of experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Every couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once – it is common to fluctuate from one stage to another.*

Okay, now that I’ve given you the basic info, let’s dig a little deeper….

Stage 1 – The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can’t get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other… mainly because you’re both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities – you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as “bad” in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can’t imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels in love” feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line – you are happier than you’ve ever been, and can’t imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner’s little habits aren’t quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you’ve just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it’s tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they’ll move on to….

Stage 4 – The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t quite as threatening as they used to be. You’re able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore… yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you’ve made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner’s habits or character in this phase. You’ve collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.

About the author: Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified
Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT. Sarah coaches
quarter lifers (adults in their 20s and 30s) who want to create
meaning and passion in their lives by building lasting committed
relationships, creating a fulfilling work/life balance, and
managing the stress of major life transitions. Receive your
free copy of her Special Report: “Five Steps to Creating a Life
You Love!” on her website at:
http://www.newheightslifecoaching.com

The stormy period is one of self discovery. This is the only level where there is a true readiness for marriage, or living together long-term, though many people will have married already in the ‘besotment’ stage. That’s unfortunate, because when they reach this kind of power struggle they will really wonder what has hit them. By the end of this stage you will be wide awake, making clear choices about yourself and your partner, based upon both individual differences and shared elements. You see clearly who you both are and what you individually desire – the only way for a healthy relationship.

If one of you is in the alignment stage (Stage 4) and ready for commitment, while the other is still in ’selection’ (Stage 1) or ‘besotment’ (Stage 2), that’s where expectations collide and the couple will either remain in the familiarisation stage or break altogether. If they are not already married, both parties will need to be ready for some form of alignment to allow for any further progress i.e. to decide whether to become a team to face a new world – one which may include children, to share a joint business venture, similar careers or other life choices. If already married, and assuming no resolution, the relationship will drag on negatively and ultimately break, no matter how long the couple has been together.

Givers and Takers

Evatt and Feld (1983) suggest that most marriages are made up of one ‘giver’ and one ‘taker’. Givers feel loved when they are giving and have trouble taking. Takers feel loved when they are receiving and love being adored. Unfortunately, givers eventually become resentful of doing so much for the taker and getting very little in return. The taker also becomes bored (and a little guilty) with the ever-faithful giving servant. Such imbalance can only lead to a lot of passive resentment or outright disaster.

I remember my ex-husband telling me, seven years into the marriage, how I had changed after I gained my degree from the Open University while holding down a job and looking after our son: that I was more selfish. I found that perception surprising because I thought I was the same person; that I loved him no differently, though I had new goals relating to my career. I suppose being more knowledgeable allowed me to see more options and to argue my corner with more confidence and conviction. As I had spent most of the early years trying to please him, with hindsight, the ‘new’ confident me perhaps seemed threatening to his position in the household.

It’s important to recognise that the issues change as you go through the years, so getting stuck in a vindictive morass is of little value. There will always be conflicts and how you resolve them is far more important than what you actually argue about. Dealing with divisive issues in a mature way is what counts the most and experts suggest three tips to help you handle conflict constructively. First, always face your problems head on. Unless you confront them they will merely build up and fester, keeping you stuck in the same position. Don’t wait for the tension to build until it explodes into an unproductive argument. By then, it is almost too late.

Teamwork is Best

Second, try to work as a team, not only doing things but resolving issues together as much as possible, each giving an input to emphasise the partnership. Work against a problem rather than against each other. You are both on the same side wanting the same things for an enjoyable relationship, not enemies preparing for battle. Scott Stanley, a clinical psychologist, points out that all couples disagree and sometimes disagreements turn into arguments. But if they remember to confront their problems as a team – and take the time to protect and deepen their friendship – “Their marriage won’t just survive, it will actually thrive”.

Finally, try to be best friends by trusting each other and valuing one another’s opinions and struggles. It shows a lack of respect and trust when one party feels that she needs to go outside the family to share opinions or to feel good about herself. Marital friendship will wither and die if it doesn’t receive adequate time and attention. So make time to share things, to walk, talk and review where you’re going, especially to assess whether you are both happy with the journey getting there.

I started our relationship being entirely honest with my partner, telling him everything positive and negative that happened in my family. With all my relatives abroad, I needed him as a confidant. I found, to my increasing anxiety and distress, that many things I told him about my relatives in confidence would be thrown back at me when we were arguing to make himself feel superior. I was deeply hurt and felt that my trust was being betrayed. I ceased telling him anything and confided in others instead, which only made our situation worse. I was then accused of preferring to confide in friends rather than in him. I couldn’t win at all. But the trust had completely gone and I had no wish to tell him anything else in view of that.

But that’s what happens when couples try to score points off each other. They lose sight of their goal of togetherness and protecting each other, gradually becoming competitive combatants instead of cooperative lovers.

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah -http://www.ecademy.com/user/elainesihera and http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, “Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!”

How do you know when to bring up spiritual matters with a man or woman you just met or just started dating? And how do you know he or she is where they say they are spiritually?

You should feel free to bring up spiritual matters whenever it seems natural to you and the conversation. But you should not try to use spirituality to rush the other person into a relationship. Forcing that connection or trying to complete it too early can ruin something that began well. Again, go with what is natural to you. If you find yourself or the other person bringing up spiritual matters because you (or they) think it’ll make the two of you much more closer (or suspect he or she is doing so), that should be a red flag. Some people use spirituality to create a sense of “we connect” and manipulate the other into something he or she is not ready for.

So how do you gauge the person is where he or she says he or she is spiritually?

It’s great that you have everything in common and can finish one another’s sentences and it’s great you feel like you’ve known the person your whole life, but the reality is, you haven’t.

The only way to gauge the other person is to give yourselves time to go through some things together. You can only truly get to know someone by experiencing life with him or her, and you cannot rush experience. As you experience life together, observe him or her in his or her natural environments as much as possible. Go public — hang out with each other’s friends and families. “Acting” is easier to keep up when it’s just the two of you but is hard when you are amongst people who know you and how you’d normally behave in certain situations. He or she is likely to slip up or someone else (family, friends, co-workers etc) will say something that can indicate to you that things are not what they seem to be.

You can also get a feel for where your date is spiritually by asking yourself things like:

1. Are you at different maturity levels in your spiritual walk?

2. Do his or her words match the fruit of his or her life?

3. Are you the only one always initiating spiritual conversations?

4. Are you carrying the spiritual weight of the relationship?

5. Can you count on the two of you “growing” together spiritually?

Connecting spiritually with the person you’re dating is extremely important. But it’s likely you won’t always be in sync. It’s common to be at different levels spiritually. Some are weak in certain areas, some are strong. We all grow at different speeds in different seasons. It’s important to recognize that spirituality is a journey and be patient with each other. In this way a dating relationship can be a great place to grow.

However, if one of you is much more serious than the other about a commitment to grow spiritually, something’s wrong. Dating relationships are about compatibility and connection. You’re going for a strong friendship because essentially you are gauging whether the relationship will lead to marriage. So, ideally, you’ll be at about the same maturity level in terms of how proactive you are in pursuing your spiritual growth. If you’re way out of balance in this area, one of you is going to start feeling like you’re always pulling the other up by his bootstraps, and you’ll end up resenting each other. Trying to “grow” someone in the context of a dating relationship is not fair or satisfying to either person involved.

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned
Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of
Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and
Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com

http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com

http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com

I understand how exciting it is to have finally found someone but before you get too involved make sure you’ve asked enough questions, aren’t giving in to sexual chemistry alone, acting on the promise of material gain, making premature compromises, putting commitment before true love and happiness, and ignoring the warning signs of potential problems, hurt and a broken heart.

You can know certain things about a person within a few days or weeks of meeting him or her, but there are other things that take time to know about a person in order for you to decide whether to continue or stop seeing the person.

Realistically it is not advisable to commit to someone in the first 3-6 months of a relationship when you are likely running on Oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. Oxytocin creates the sense of well-being and euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity, because you are not in command of all your faculties; your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals, interfering with your ability to think clearly.

Here are some guidelines to help you at each stage of your relationship. Do not feel frustrated if say you are at stage two of your relationship but still haven’t found out things that you should have at stage one. Just make sure that you try to find out those things before you move to the next stage. Also all relationships move at different paces, the stages are guidelines to move you through to where you want your relationship to go and not rules that must be strictly followed. The idea is to know when to quit and what needs attention for the relationship to move forward.

Stage One ( 0 - 3 months). Make sure you know enough about his or her:

- Family background

- Attitude towards life, about love, commitment, children (if you want to have some), personal growth, professional help etc.

- Spiritual beliefs and practices, ethics and morals

- Sexual attitudes and preferences

- Career goals, financial background and habits

- Past love relationships, sexual history (including sexually transmitted diseases), break up patterns or lessons learned - Health habits food, exercise, grooming, cleanliness - personal and surroundings etc - Fears, phobias, addictions and any mental health problems, etc. - Interests, hobbies, dislikes etc

Stage Two (3 - 12 months). At this stage you should be sure whether you are emotionally invested in this relationship or not. If you are not or feel that the other person is not, this is the time to get out. Be honest about how the relationship makes you feel.

- Do you feel the person is emotionally mature? - Do you feel he or she hasn’t recovered from past relationships? - Does he or she seem to have serious issues from his or her childhood that may or are affecting the relationship (needy, dependant, controlling, manipulative, abusive etc)?

- Is he or she emotionally (and physically) available - do you spend enough quality time together?

- Do you care more about the person than he or she does about you?

- Does he or she care more about you than you do about him or her?

- Are you more in love with the person’s potential than the real person?

- Are you infatuated with him or her for external reasons (looks, family background, social status, material possessions etc) more than you really care about the person?

- Are you spiritually and sexually compatible? Does the person remind you a lot about a previous partner (in an uncomfortable way?)

- Do you exaggerate the persons qualities or lie to friends, family or co-workers about how you truly feel and about the relationship? - Does the person support you in your goals, ambitions, interests etc and are they proud of you and show it?

- Is the person faithful, devoted and affectionate towards you?

- DO YOU FEEL LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY?

Stage Three (Over 12 months). At this stage you should be in love. You know you love him or her and he or she loves you. You get along well and you’ve introduced him or her to friends, family and colleagues.

Make sure that you’ve discussed all the possible time bombs and have agreed on how to handle issues related to this when they come up (and if there are any)

- Significant age difference

- Differences in spiritual or religious beliefs

- Differences in social, racial, ethnic or educational background

- Children from previous marriage or relationships, in-laws and other extended family Ex-spouse (s), girlfriends, boyfriends etc.

- Holidays, gifts, anniversaries and other special occasions

The critical success factor in determining your relationship’s success however, lies in knowing what you want, relying on proper communication and knowing how to compromise when you know you have found that special someone.

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned
Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of
Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and
Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com

http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com

http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com