Relationships can sometimes be something of a challenge. If you’ve been dating a guy for awhile and you’ve fallen into a predictable routine you may start to feel as though you are being taken advantage of. Many women feel this when they realize that their once attentive man, now rarely calls them anymore. As women we like to feel close to our boyfriends and for us that means being in touch often. If you are faced with a situation where he just doesn’t seem to have the drive or desire to talk as much, it can be frustrating. There are certain things you should and shouldn’t be doing when your boyfriend won’t call you.

The most important thing to remember when your boyfriend doesn’t call is to not panic. If you haven’t heard from him for several days you may immediately assume he’s decided to find himself a new girlfriend. The chances of that being the cause of his silence are minimal. There are many reasons why men don’t call their girlfriends, but simply moving on to a new relationship isn’t one of them. Put your mind to rest and stop thinking of the worst case scenarios.

Some men intentionally don’t call for a simple reason. They want to gauge your reaction. Many of us have been guilty of abusing our boyfriend’s phone number if we haven’t heard from him by the time we expected to. We call and then hang up if he doesn’t answer. When he doesn’t answer a few times a sense of rejection may set in. That pushes us to then call and leave voice mail asking him to call back as soon as possible. When your boyfriend does realize how many times you called and then listens to your pleading voice in the message you left, he’ll see you as one thing. It’s not the girlfriend who loves him so much she must hear from him. No. He’ll see you as desperate and dependent on him for affection.

If you’ve made it clear through your words and your actions that you are completely and utterly in love with your boyfriend, he may start to see you as someone who won’t ever leave him. When someone views you that way, they may start to take advantage of you. Not calling, not contacting you and ignoring you soon become acceptable because they know regardless of how much time passes before they take a moment to reach out to you, you’ll still be there waiting.

The very best approach you can take when your boyfriend won’t call you is to take his number off speed dial and go out and have fun. If he fully expects you to come searching for him, and you don’t, he’ll immediately wonder what you’re thinking. It’s also imperative that you don’t answer the minute he does call you. Let him be the one who has to leave a voice mail and take a bit to return the call. When you do finally speak with him, don’t drill him about where he’s been or why he hasn’t called. If he apologizes for not being in touch and tells you the age old excuse that he’s been busy with work, tell him it’s no problem. Briefly explain that you’ve been swamped too. End the call quickly and tell him you’ll talk soon.

It’s surprising to many women how monumental telephone calls, emails and texts are in the dynamic of their relationship. For even more effective ways to handle communication with your boyfriend, visit this helpful site.

In the best of intimate relationships, there are those subtle and not so subtle waves of difficulties. Some disagreements make sense; his words against hers, her values in the face of his values, old traditions vs. new ideas and so on. However, over few years living with a partner, attempting and working on intimacy, you could see few patterns emerging. Those patterns might be complicated for you to detect when you are a part of the ‘drama’.

For me, after thirty years of marriage-therapy and relationship-coaching, I find them simple to detect. Solving relationships’ problems take commitment, education and good will. From here the solutions are pretty much straightforward.

Some of these patterns are signs of troubled relationships. Here is the list of the seven most damaging intimate relationships’ troubles and their solutions:

1.-Inability to be emotionally open; the uniqueness and secret of intimate relationships in comparison to other social, workplace and family relationships is in staying emotionally open. By exercising daily confiding with each other, couples learn to become emotionally open towards each other.

2.-Lack of physical closeness and signs of affection may starve the relationship. It is not easy to undo the pain, shame and hurts of the past. Learn to be affectionate. Do it for the sake of this relationship.

3.-Not paying attention while listening: you might be listening to each other, even giving the right cues as in ‘active listening’. But do you get the meaning of each other’s message without the attempt to ’solve’ the problem? Don’t solve each others’ problems. Share the gift of listening. Being heard is a treasure!

4.-Difficulty articulating what you feel; many adults don’t know to express what they feel. Instead, you communicate what you think. Learning about emotions and their logic is valuable to every intimate relationship. Taking a risk to expose your accurate feelings in your relationship is a wise investment. As the relationship grows and thrives, that risk of exposure becomes safe.

5.-Anger, fear, shame and other pains block the passages to feel tenderness, joy and love. Those painful emotions are not bad; they are information that should be shared so that your love will surface again.

6.-Power struggles on sex, money, children, free time, relatives or friends are all signs of other issues surfacing in the relationships. Learn to decode these symptoms and see the meaning beneath the issues.

7.-Contempt and its expressions are the ‘deadliest sin’ of all troubled relationships. This will take a bit longer to solve; I suggest treating this symptom deeper as in a ‘root canal’. Find the roots of those feelings of contempt or they’ll destroy your intimate relationship.
It is challenging to get your intimate relationship out of trouble. The effort is worth it; as your intimate relationship is the most important investment of your time energy and endeavor.

How would you like to improve, strengthen or even save, in some cases, your intimate relationship?
For background information on Dr. Nili Sachs please visit http://www.DrNili.com
For relationship coaching and /or therapy appointment please contact Dr. Nili directly: nilisachs@msn.com

How do you get beyond “I’m right! You’re wrong!”? Even in the healthiest relationships, a husband and wife, a boyfriend and girlfriend, or two partners have arguments. Winning a disagreement shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing competition. In fact, “winning” should never enter the emotional mix. According to couples married 50 years or longer - the “real-life” relationship experts, there are multiple, healthy ways to get past the bumps in the road, resolve discord and restore harmony in the relationship:

85/15 Rule

Have a willingness to accept that 85% of what you want may be good enough when 100% is not possible. Arguments often erupt when one individual has a more resolute opinion or greater conviction on an issue or problem than the other. Banter flies back and forth. This type of disagreement can be nipped quickly with negotiation that gives the person who feels strongest on the discussion topic 85% of his/her desired outcome; the other settles for 15%.

This raises the question: “No fair. Why should I concede?” In solid relationships, over the course of time and with practice, the 85% acquisition flip-flops according to the subject matter. By applying the “85/15 Rule,” argument resolution becomes a balancing act that occurs almost naturally.

Your Department vs. My Department

A wife always fails to hang up her wet towel after showering. Her husband always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink. In every relationship, each person has quirks, habits and characteristics that annoy the other - and trigger disputes. (If you’re unable to quickly identify them in your own relationship, ask yourself “What am I constantly nagging him/her about?”) Usually these issues have been in existence since day one of the relationship, and as hard as we may try, we never change the other person. If left unattended, these things gnaw away at the relationship.

In the wet towel vs. dirty dishes battle, the “Your Department vs. My Department” method of resolution works neatly. In this type of conflict, the husband simply accepts that he’s going to be hanging up wet towels for many, many years and likewise, his wife accepts that she’s going to be rinsing and loading dirty dishes into the dishwasher for many, many years. End of subject. End of stress. End of nagging. When both parties “embrace” their partner’s shortcomings, arguments cease.

Apply Positive Reinforcement

“Positive reinforcement” is an adjunct of “Your Department vs. My Department” in the arena of argument resolution. On occasions when your partner does the task you’re wanting he/she to do, express appreciation with a verbal “thank you” or hug or gentle peck on the cheek. In behavioral science, this is referred to as “positive reinforcement.” Just as Shamu at Sea World is rewarded with lots of delicious fish for performing a “task” and he’s therefore pleased to do it over and over again, remarkably, you may find that your tokens of appreciation similarly increase your mate’s willingness to perform the sore-spot task! Voila! By replacing nagging with positive reinforcement, there is greater possibility that the wife will hang up her wet towels more frequently and the husband will more willingly load his dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

Strength + Weakness = Power

Another way to solve disagreements is merging individual strengths and weaknesses. Things that have the potential to become a confrontation are, instead, transformed into couple “power.”

In the heat of controversy, take a step back to boil down what’s really at issue. It may be that conflict has arisen because one person has greater knowledge, information, experience, skill, talent or education than the other on the topic. In other words, one has a “strength” where the other has a “weakness.” A strength pit against a weakness turns into a fight.

A more favorable (and peaceful) way to handle these scuttles is to “blend” each individual’s strengths and weaknesses. Applying this practice creates a “team,” and gives a couple the ability and stability to achieve more, enjoy more, and have more fulfilling lives together.

Call A 30-Minute “Time Out”

Despite efforts to restrain tempers and contain bickering, there are times when nothing works to halt an argument. In the heat of battle, emotions can boil over, tempers flare and thought-processes blur. Now what?

When your child is overly agitated and misbehaves, a fitting response is to put the child in a “time-out.” The child is removed from the situation and taken to a location to reign in his/her emotions and cool off. “Time-out” works equally well for adults in a relationship.

When emotions are stirring and tempers are building, one of you needs to say “stop.” Call a “time-out.” Set an alarm clock for 30 minutes and go in separate directions. No talking, no stares, no interaction. Utilize the half-hour for both of you to recollect your thoughts. Think about the problem. Re-focus. Regain your composure. When the alarm buzzes, reconvene. Have a civil discussion, get to the root of the matter, find a resolution and move on.

Chastise or Chuckle?

Your wife throws out the green-bean casserole in the refrigerator that you planned to eat with lunch. Your husband misreads a party invitation and the two of you show up on the wrong date. Simple blunders can launch warfare. Or not. In situations like these, you hit a fork in the road and must consciously decide, “Do I chastise or chuckle?”

Before you get your feathers in an uproar, stop. Stop and consider the bigger picture. How important is the error in the grand scheme of life? Does it significantly impact anything or anyone? Are the consequences irrefutable? Mistakes like these are usually worthy of a sincere apology followed by a big dose of laughter - together!

From an emotional standpoint, reacting to blunders with a sense of humor restores a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection.

Laughter has adjunct physical benefits, too. Medical studies show that a good, hearty laugh helps reduce stress, lowers blood pressure, elevates your mood, boosts the immune system, protects the heart, increases oxygen in the blood, and improves brain functioning.

Keep The Faith

When two people share their lives for many years, it’s inevitable that, from time-to-time, conflicts of devastating proportion arise. Pain, hostility, disappointment, sadness and hurt can run deep. One wonders, “How could he do this to me?” or “If she really cared about me, this wouldn’t have happened.” A clear resolution is nowhere to be found.

If you are a spiritual or religious individual, it is in these moments, when the unbearable, the unthinkable occurs, a solution may be to lean on your faith. Believing in God can itself be healing. Spirituality and religion provide assurance that there will be a better day. Feeling connected to a faith can provide strength to forgive.

You Say Tom-ae-to, I say Tom-ah-to

No matter how long you’ve been married or in a relationship, a couple never sees eye-to-eye on everything. Sometimes opinions and beliefs are polar opposites. A key word in a successful marriage or relationship is “comprise.”‘ Webster’s dictionary defines “compromise” as “to come to agreement by mutual concessions; settlement of differences by blending qualities of two different things.”
Both people have a right to their opinions and beliefs. The important step is to give each other room to air your differences, consider options, then make decisions together.

On important issues, a certain amount of giving by both partners is paramount. “Giving” and “how much” depends on the subject or situation. In healthy relationships, the “weight” of giving alternates.

Kiss And Make Up or Wait ‘Til You Wake Up?

“When” is the best time to resolve a disagreement? Some couples are loyal to the “never go to bed angry” motto while other say “let’s sleep on it.”

Those who adhere to “never go to bed angry” say that they want to clear the air and wake up to a fresh new day. They stay up as late as necessary to figure out a resolution, then fall asleep with their love rekindled. They feel that nothing should supercede being able to kiss each other good night and honestly exchanging “I love you.”

On the other hand, there are couples who feel “let’s sleep on it” gives them flexibility to put a halt to the escalation of we’re-not-getting-anywhere-in-this-conversation syndrome. They go to sleep angry, but after a good night’s sleep, they wake up refreshed and can therefore, think more clearly. In fact, they often find that the subject matter of the argument has diminished in importance and may not even be worth wasting another minute on, or it’s actually quite easy to resolve!

Whichever “when” you choose in your relationship - “Kiss And Make Up” or “Wait ‘Til You Wake Up” - depends upon your personalities and the dynamics of your partnership. Try both!

Sheryl Kurland is author of the elegant coffee-table book Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More. 75 couples, “real-life” relationship experts, reveal the keys to a loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship. SIGN UP FOR FREE, WEEKLY EMAIL “TIME-TESTED RELATIONSHIP TIPS” FROM COUPLES MARRIED 50-PLUS YEARS AT http://www.EverlastingMatrimony.com

You love them, but your personalities just don’t mesh. You frequently argue or get frustrated with each other. Sometimes it’s a one-sided feeling of frustration while other times it’s mutual.

Your New Mantra: “I can’t change other people. I can only control myself.”

One of the most difficult things to do when we believe that we are right and others are wrong is to accept that you can’t change their minds. Likewise, you can’t change their habits, their lifestyle, their addictions, etc. It doesn’t matter if you are trying to help them improve their lives, persuade them to take on your political or social views for the good of humanity, teach them about basic concepts, etc. It’s easy to let go of conflicts that only happen once in awhile, but what do you do when every day is a struggle, when every conversation is a conflict? What do you do when you dread seeing or talking to this person because you know it’s going to end in an argument or belittlement or worse?

The 3 Steps of Dealing with Difficult Persons Gracefully: Understanding, Compassion, and Response

I truly believe that understanding is the root of all happiness. In understanding a person’s actions or beliefs, we realize that their actions and beliefs have absolutely nothing to do with us. Once we understand why people do what they do, we are able to have compassion for them.

It is important to note that having compassion for somebody does not mean that you are in any way obligated to fix their problem. Your needs are always the priority in these situations because you can’t change other people, you can only control yourself. (Remember your mantra.) You can’t meet their needs for them. They must learn to meet their needs themselves. Likewise, you must meet your own needs yourself, and if you spent all of your time and energy trying to fix somebody else’s problems, you would never have time and energy to meet your own needs.

Finally there is the response. How do you respond to “difficult” people? It often depends on the situation.

• Situation: Your family is giving you a hard time about a choice that you have made for your life (job, money, partner, etc.), and they’re criticizing you.

  Understanding: “They are trying to help me. They just aren’t doing it in a very effective way.”

  Compassion: “It’s too bad they don’t see that I’m happy with the choices that I’ve made.”

  Response: “Well, thank you for being concerned about me.” No further explanation is necessary.

• Situation: A friend of yours is very demanding and always seems to want your attention, causing you to feel simply drained after every encounter.

  Understanding: “She has self-esteem issues and feels like she needs to have attention to feel important. She thinks that I’m important, so my attention is important to her.”

  Compassion: “It’s too bad she doesn’t realize that she is important even when nobody is paying attention to her.”

  Response: “Oh, I have some important things I have to do, so we’ll need to get together some other time.” There is no need to explain what you need to do.

• Situation: Somebody insults you. (It doesn’t matter what the insult is.)

  Understanding: “They are simply projecting their own beliefs about the world on me.”

  Compassion: “It’s too bad they have such a limited view of the world. There are so many wonderful things that they could bring into their lives if they just opened their hearts and minds to all of the good things that are a part of diversity.”

  Response: “OK” or “Interesting” or “I disagree.” There is no need to respond to insults any further than that. They don’t any further response. Someone who is insulting wouldn’t listen to your response anyhow and would just prefer to argue. Simply acknowledgs that you heard what the other person was saying. Then remove yourself from the situation (end the conversation, hang up the phone, leave the room, etc.).

Making More Space and Getting Your Distance

Sometimes, the only way to deal with the situation is to avoid it in the first place by avoiding contact with the difficult person.

You can easily create some distance (most of the time) by having “other obligations” much of the time. You don’t have to say “I don’t want to see you or talk to you as much.” You just need to let them know that you do have other things to do, responsibilities, obligations, etc., and you need to spend more time focusing on those things.

If you live with this difficult person, you may want to consider moving out. If moving out is not an option, you may need to find activities away from the person. Joining a class, volunteering somewhere, etc. will get you out of the house. Even working in the yard every day can help (assuming that the person doesn’t say, “Great! I’ll go with you” because then you’ll have to come up with plan B).

Getting Professional Counseling

In some situations, you may need to work with a professional counselor to figure out how to heal the relationship. Couples counseling, group counseling, family counseling, etc. are perfect for getting everyone together to talk about problems in a constructive way.

(If you believe this difficult person has a mental illness or some other mental problem that requires professional help, you can send a letter to his/her doctor and find out what mental health resources are available in your area to address the problem, but you cannot force an adult into treatment if he/she is not a danger to himself or others and is considered mentally competent.)

If the difficult person refuses to go to counseling with you, or if the person is a customer, co-worker, neighbor, etc. (let’s face it, we don’t ask our customers to come to counseling with us), don’t rule out counseling as an option. You can still make great strides by attending counseling by yourself.

Ending the Relationship

Typically, you’ll want to make an effort to find out if an official breakup is absolutely necessary, especially if this difficult person is a family member. In my experience, and in talking to others, I have learned that a one-on-one conversation is often the best way to determine if the relationship can heal and continue or must come to an end. A professional counseling can also help you make the decision. If a relationship clearly can’t continue in a healthy way, then a breakup may be necessary.

(There is one exception to the breakup option: if the difficult person is a child under your care or a child related to you, you do have an obligation to continue the relationship, to continue to reach out to that child. Ending a relationship with a child is equivalent to giving-up on that child. No one should ever give up on a child. Seek professional counseling instead.)

Don’t Feel Guilty

The most important thing to remind yourself is that it’s all right to avoid the difficult person. It’s all right to end the relationship. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to deal with a person who brings unnecessary stress and unhappiness to your life.

Likewise, don’t feel guilty about not being able to fix the situation. Remember, you can’t fix other people. The best you can do is give them an inspiring self-help book and the name of a good counselor. Then leave it to them to take the necessary steps to help themselves.

Meanwhile, you should focus on helping yourself regain balance, well-being, and happiness.

To read more about this topic, visit Kristen’s Guide.
Kristen’s Guide: kristensguide.com is a website dedicated to helping persons like you have happier, balanced lives by providing hundreds of free useful tips and tools, including free printables and calculators, that can make life easier.