There are babies everywhere in my life. Number of pregnant friends: 3. Number of friends who have given birth this year: 3. Number of babies born to friends to date: 14. Number of friends on baby-making duty: at least 3 that I know of. Conception and birth is a complex and miraculous phenomenon. The fact that so many are born healthy is astounding almost beyond belief.

Not all births have this happy-ending. Sometimes things go wrong, like it did for my friends just a few weeks ago. Their baby was born with a serious heart defect. She passed away peacefully a few short hours after her delivery.

No one understands really how one child is born healthy and another dies crippled by the vicissitudes of nature.

What lesson or gift can we find in the death of a baby? There seems no rhyme or reason for it, such is the depth of grief and incomprehension with the death of a newborn child.

And yet we see something miraculous and precious in grief. This little bundle of cells, misshapen and unviable, is loved so deeply and so profoundly by its parents that they know she is perfect in every way, even if her body does not comply with the laws of physics and biology.

This is the gift we find in grief: the parents’ love of a little thing that will never speak, never see, and lived only a few hours. Their love is profound, eternal, without judgement, and filled with a faith and gratitude that inspires and transcends.

Even in the deep grief that they feel, they are so grateful for sharing the experience of their daughter’s brief life. It revealed to them personally the miracle of life: this energy is a strong pulse that vibrates through all physical beings. It creates physical form as a temporary holding place for the spirit. As the spirit is eternal, it matters not the brevity of the physical experience, only that it was profound.

This little child passed but briefly through physical form but she opened up the hearts and minds of those she touched to the great giant ocean of abundance and love of which this universe is made. Those who know of her passing have opened their hearts to the miracles in their own lives. She opened the tap of love and gratitude to those who heard her heart-wrenching story.

Though her breaths were few on this planet, that child felt deep love from her parents, and her parents were filled to bursting with love and pride in the little life they helped bring in to the world. It is an exquisite and pure emotion of the highest vibration.

We all have this kind of love within us. We can feel it any time - we do not need a birth or a death to remind us of the precious miracle of life and good fortune we have to experience its wonders. It is only that sometimes we shut ourselves off from the source of this love. Our petty fears, doubts, and worries creep over us. As we shrink with these lowly feelings, we imagine ourselves isolated and small. We weep and lament and pinch off the flow of love and life. We forget that we are all connected - plants, trees, animals, bugs, humans, stars - we are all part and parcel of the same wonderful universe. We need only open our hearts to it, like we did when a little girl died.

So for this I am grateful - the life and death of a little girl and the love she showed us all in her brief visit to our precious planet.

Cancer survivor Zoë Routh is the Head Coach at Inner Compass. Zoë helps personal development enthusiasts create their own best life following the law of attraction. Zoë is the author of ebook Absolute Productivity - a handbook for your personal and professional life. Sign up for Compass Bearings - a free on line magazine for personal development enthusiasts who want easy new success strategies using the law of attraction. Get more free tips at http://www.innercompass.com.au

A little girl put Smokey in a paper bag when he was about 5 weeks old and threw him in a dumpster behind a restaurant. The restaurant owner saw this and took him inside and fed him and gave him a warm place to sleep. While in that restaurant having a glass of root beer the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted a kitten. I knew my wife did not want a cat but he was so precious so I decided to take him home. What a wonderful addition to our family! He loved us to death and we reciprocated.

On Easter Sunday in the afternoon I was talking to my daughter on the phone. My wife had been taking a nap. She motioned to me that she thought Smokey had died. She said he had some sort of seizure under the bed because he had been thrashing about and kicking the box springs. She pulled him out from under the bed and it appeared he was alive but very listless. We immediately put him in his carrier and got him in the car and headed straight for the emergency Veterinary Clinic in a town about 12 miles away. We entered the clinic and they immediately put us in an examination room. Smokey then went into another seizure so we notified the assistant and they immediately took him and the vet hooked him to a valium IV. The vet then took a blood sample. His acidity was high, he had a heart murmur, and the prognosis was very poor. We had already spent over a $1000 on him and we felt we had no alternative other than to put him to sleep.

My wife stayed in the room and watched while the Docter gave Smokey the lethal injection. I was such a big boob-I could not bear to see that done so I went out in the waiting room. A while later Smokey was brought out in a little white cardboard box shaped like a casket and we took him home and buried him in our front yard. It was an extremely emotional time as Smokey and I were so very close. My wife would never let him sleep on our bed but the night before his death I talked her into letting us sleep with us, which he did. That was so special!

Smokey is now in a better place. We miss you so much. little Smokes!

I want to share with you some ideas about a very important aspect of grief and loss - rebuilding your life. Whether we want it to or not, this process begins immediately, following the death of a loved one.

When you lose that one person you can’t live without, the pain is unbearable. That person with whom you built a life and a relationship is now physically unavailable, and the nurturing and sustenance you relied on is gone. Languor settles over you that is beyond sadness, and the first pangs of grief are born.

In the center of a crisis, your new life begins. Decision-making becomes an exclusive responsibility, without the counsel of the person whose wisdom you cherish. Have you sat and wondered what that person would advise about a particular situation? Has an idea popped into your head that is “so like” your loved one? Holding fast to every aspect of that person is all you can think about. But there is no opportunity for dialogue, for the exploring of ideas. You reach for a steady hand, and realize you are alone.

The practicality of life is that things have to get done. Schedules for work, family, or personal interests are on clipboards or computers, scraps of paper, or in our heads, and we respond to their demands. “I have to be somewhere in a half hour”, “I have a meeting tonight”, “the kids need a ride” rule our lives. Then someone dies and none of it matters. It pales by comparison, except that commitments have been made and responsibilities need to be met.

We begin making decisions immediately. Some things can’t wait, and so we shoot from the hip. We are beginning to build a new life before we’re ready, and without much thought or expert advice. Our new life is happening by accident.

How do we, then, begin to build a life by design? Let’s look at four considerations that can become the blueprint for a new life.

1. Imperatives What must be addressed now? Money matters, medical issues, legal situations, children, housing are all items that need immediate attention.

Ask experts and/or professionals for good, solid advice. Here is where well-meaning friends and relatives may not know what’s best for you. Their experiences may have nothing in common with yours. Thank them politely, and then listen to the experts.

2. Keepsakes Consider carefully what you want to keep from your relationship with your loved one. What sustains you, what do you cherish that needs to be tucked away in your treasure chest?
Your treasured keepsakes will help you decide how to re-order your life. Think deeply about each one, remember its significance, and determine how to include its core value in any decisions you make. For example: a shared interest in music may encourage you to continue to buy season tickets to the symphony, using the second ticket to invite a friend or family member to join you.

3. Change Major changes (job, residence) should be given a lot of thought, and the rule of thumb is to wait a year for important decisions, but you can start to explore possibilities.
Taking up a new hobby or joining a special interest group that appeals to you is ideal, now that you are alone. The personal growth will be stimulating and positive, and meeting new people enables you to better manage the sense of isolation that comes with grief.

4. Dream Allow yourself to dream new dreams. Designing a new life will be awkward. You didn’t plan it or ask for this event in your life. But it has happened, and moving forward affirms that living fully can occur even though we are alone. The memories of loving and being loved created an individual with a sense of the goodness and sustainability of a purposeful life.

Be encouraged as you move forward and struggle to rebuild your life. My life’s design included all of the above considerations, not always in order, but carefully crafted as to my well-being and growth. Seek wisdom and support from others, and give freely.

Judy Strong lost her husband in 1991. She has experienced the entire cycle of grief and recovery, which is recorded in her book, No Time to Grieve - ISBN 1-59298-0473, $9.95. Further information on loss, grief and recovery is available on her website http://www.notimetogrieve.com

Does the grief you are experiencing seem to be relentless? Is there no end in sight? That feeling is not unusual for many. A common experience for mourners is not to be able to find a nurturing support system, the confidence to deal with change, and reliable information to help deal with their loss.

There is good reason for this. At root, education about coping with loss is nearly nonexistent-until a major loss occurs. Then the search is on at a time when the disorganization and stress of grief is high.

However, it is never too late to begin the task of finding out that there is a wide range of normalcy among grief reactions, that there are proven ways to deal with loss as long as you persist, and that despite your deep hurt you can learn to confront your emotions and find peace of mind.

Where can you start?

1. Begin by considering friends and relatives who have suffered similar losses and how they have coped with them. It is perfectly normal and smart to humbly seek out the wisdom of others. Reach out, and don’t let your pride hold you back. There is much experience out there. Ask specific questions, weigh the benefits and disadvantages of the answers, then decide if you want to use what you have heard or let it go as not applicable to your situation.

2. Search the grief literature for some of the huge quality resources available. Pamphlets and articles on grief are abundant. At your library, local hospice or on the Internet you will find a wide variety of material. You may not feel like reading anything early in your grieving. If so, come back to this resource later. There is so much information from reading alone that can help you. Again, pick and choose what rings true for you and discard the rest.

3. Be willing to join a grief support group. There is so much information you will be introduced to. For example, many grievers do not realize that there are many secondary losses in addition to the major loss that need to be recognized and grieved. Also, you can learn much from other mourners who are at different stages in their grieving. Remember that the fabric of connections you have are unique just to you and no one else. You will sense who to speak to about your feelings and who to ask advice from.

4. Become aware of the damaging grief myths you believe in. Here are some common ones: you should be over grief in a few weeks; crying is a sign of weakness; grief only affects the emotions; you are supposed to let go of the person who died; you will be your old self again. Remember, all beliefs have a powerful effect on behavior, often without you knowing it. There is nothing wrong with discarding unworkable beliefs.

5. Visit a grief counselor. Write up your list of questions before you go. Don’t just go to anyone who does counseling. Look for a professional whose primary counseling load is with people who are grieving. Consult the Association for Death Education and Counseling (www.adec.org) for grief counselors in your area. They can help you uncover your strengths, myths that are prolonging grief, and remove the obstacles to reducing the intensity of your grief.

In developing coping skills to deal with your loss, be assured that the specific information to help you is out there. But you must take action at a most difficult time in order to uncover it. Follow your heart. We need each other; and at a time of great loss it is not a sign of weakness to seek assistance, and through trial and error, move through the grief process and the growth it can surely bring.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

Death often appears to wreck the lives of survivors. Many people feel they have a gaping hole in their body and mind. With the loved one gone, life takes on some drastic changes and demands that the survivor start new routines without the support and companionship of the beloved. It seems like hell on earth.

So what do mourners seem to accomplish that helps them accept their great losses and begin the long journey of adapting to a new life? How do they adjust to the unfamiliar and begin to find joy once again? Here is what many have done to move through, not around, their grief.

1. At some point, they chose to commit to the following approach: “I am adjusting to the new. I am going to get through this.” They made up their minds that they had to change and accept the loss. Intention is an extremely powerful force. Make every effort to begin each day with a commitment to meet your sadness head on and embrace it as a natural response because you have loved. Put something on your night stand (object, symbol, whatever is meaningful to you) as a reminder when you get up in the morning to form the intention and tell yourself, “I am persisting. I will outlast this.”

2. Work on your inner life. All grief resolution begins with what you say to yourself day after day, week after week. This means you have to be your own best friend and treat yourself as you would a best friend. Come to the realization that what you continue to think about grows. As you keep focusing on pain it often gets worse, depression comes and deepens. Learn a technique to allow yourself to switch your attention away from pain and towards a loving memory. Everyone needs a break from grief. Keep talking positively to yourself and draw on your spiritual beliefs for wisdom and strength.

3. Make the decision that you will talk to at least three people every day. Human interaction, with the right people, and at the right time will go a long way toward balancing your sadness and providing a needed outlet for your feelings. On the other hand, isolation from others will lengthen the acute pain phase of grief. Never stay by yourself for long periods of time. Yes, you need solitude, but not self-imposed isolation.

4. Come to the conclusion that there are two options open to you when a loved one dies: to live in abject sorrow for the rest of your life (which will paralyze you for the rest of your life) or to accept what cannot be changed, search for meaning in the death, and find new purpose in life. Obviously, this process of awareness cannot take place right away. Much time is needed to assimilate the pain. More time is needed to become familiar with a world that has drastically changed, and to realize that death and struggle changes the survivor. Eventually though, you have to choose one or the other path.

5. Listen to others; learn about grief, and the fact that it is survivable. We can all learn from the information that is already out there and has been used by millions through the years. And yes, there are still lots of people who cling to nonfunctional myths and beliefs about grief who have to be avoided as much as possible. Look for quality sources by checking their credentials and the resources on which they draw their wisdom.

6. Go easy on yourself when you have a bad day. Most mourners have bad days after experiencing a number of tolerable ones. Months later, you may feel the way you did the first few days after your loved one died. There is one word that has a wide range of application in the grief response: normal. We are all different and grieve differently, so don’t expect some sort of perfection. Nobody grieves in some perfect format. It doesn’t exist.

Remember, grief does not vanish completely, never to be heard from again. Memory will bring back some sadness from time to time and we learn to live with it. You will too. Your beloved will always be a part of you.

If it was a parent who died, you have their genes in you, and your memory can always recall them-and you can choose to talk with them as you see fit. This is healthy as you move on into the next phase of your life. Sure, the painful hole won’t go away but look around you for inspiration from all who are living proof that you can live with that reminder.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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Those mourning the death of a loved one are often told to find closure, let go of the deceased loved one, and go on with their lives. For most, this admonition is tantamount to saying forget about the person. In truth, no one ever forgets the beloved and never wants to since our memories and our love will never allow it. Thus additional stress is heaped on the mourner as a conflict arises between the carrier of the “forget message” and the survivor.

Only until recently was the go-on-with-your-life-and-forget-your-deceased-loved-one message endorsed by counselors and mental health experts. It finally was realized that we never forget our loved ones, they are close to our hearts, and in fact it is healthy and important to establish a continuing bond with them, if it is desired. Actually, it is natural to think of them at family celebrations, holidays, and anniversaries or to remember them at other times for what they taught or helped develop in us.

Obviously, this new way of relating is different (no physical presence) as it must be, yet it can still be nourishing and comforting. Nevertheless, there are many associated with the mourner who still fear that holding on to the deceased in this manner is pathological, a precursor to additional suffering and emotional problems. Not true, as long as the following three guidelines are honored.

1. First, the survivor realizes that the loved one is not coming back in physical form and acceptance of the death has occurred on a deep emotional level. The latter may take considerable time for some to reach. Acceptance of death on an intellectual level is common and relatively easy to attain. Acceptance in the heart is something else. The time frame for emotional acceptance varies from person to person.

2. Second, there is nothing inherently wrong when a problem arises to review what the deceased loved one would do to solve it. In fact, considering the wise opinions of others is an intelligent choice in decision making. We constantly call on the wisdom of philosophers, theologians, and leaders who have died. We even visit the places where they used to live.

However, in the final analysis, the survivor must make decisions on what he or she thinks is appropriate for the situation. These judgments may or may not agree with the thinking of the deceased when alive. Never make a decision based on what the deceased would have wanted, if you think a different solution is more appropriate. Your thinking now is what counts.

3. Finally, you realize that with your loved one gone, life will be different. It is, in fact, a new life, one that will have its own characteristics, another chapter in life’s journey. Furthermore, you accept that it is unwise to live in the past, and must continue to make a meaningful life of your own. It may imply finding
new interests, commitments, developing new skills, and a continuation of learning.

In summary, developing a new relationship with a deceased loved one is healthy and important. It is based on accepting that a life has been lived and the loved one has died, that all decisions affecting your new life must be based on what is good and right for you, and that you are committed to finding meaning and purpose.

As part of your reinvestment your loved one can live on in your daily memories and in the traditions and celebrations you may wish to observe during the year. You can speak to him/her as you wish-and many people do. As the months and years go by, you may wish to alter the frequency, content, or privacy of the relationship as you see fit, and as your new life unfolds. In any event, love always lives on.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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Have you spent much time in the Psalms? If you’ve had times of sorrow, grief and disappointments of life, you’ve surely dwelled in the Psalms of the Bible.

David was a man after God’s own heart and his Psalms show us that God’s love for us doesn’t bring all happy and sunny days of life. Jesus told us that in this life we would have trouble and you don’t have to look far to find somebody buried in it.

The Psalms are so real! David is so honest! Many of them begin with what I call whining to the Father. David pours out his sorrows and begs for God to change circumstances and to remove or give him victory over his enemies …. and then as his Faith takes over, he rolls right into praising his Papa God and ends with his own victory over the battle regardless of the circumstances.

God knows we are human. We can whine and cry on His lap, but let’s make sure we receive His comfort and we stir up the Faith He has given us to praise Him and we will be lifted above the circumstances.

Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.” (John 11:41)

Jesus said this before the miracle. His thanksgiving was before Lazarus was raised from the dead. Why would He thank God before? Praise is the most important prerequisite for miracles. It’s the preparatory work! Miracles are performed through spiritual power and this power is always in proportion to the faith of the one looking for results.

Henry W. Frost said that “nothing pleases God more than praise as part of our prayer life, and nothing blesses someone who prays as much as the praise that is offerfed.”

“It is good to praise the Lord.” (Psalm 92:1)

It changes our whole outlook and it truly changes things. We can’t only look for the exact results we’re expecting because sometimes the right answer is not the one we want. The miracle may not be the removal of the problem.

We have many mountains in life that we have had to climb and it’s easy to think that the mountains are blocking our views of what we see life to be. However, if you allow God His way with you, you will find that the mountains are truly the very thing we need for achievement. They’ve been allowed there as a means of producing the giftings and character qualities for which we’ve been hoping and praying for so long.

If we praise God for the ability to move those mountains, we will see them in a different way. God will not lead us to greatness by an easy and self-indulgent life. We will have difficulties as the Bible promises, but if we praise Him in the midst of them knowing they are our pathway to the life we truly desire, we will walk with a light load as we aim to get over those mountains.

David continually praised the Lord for what He was going to do and what He was doing even when he didn’t see it happening. Spend some time in Psalms and be encouraged that you will receive power equal to your burden or task.

Donna L. Watkins lives in Central Virginia with her wonderful husband enjoying birds, wildlife, gardening, forests, nature travel and her cat, Squeek. She has one grown-up son who inspires her life in many ways. Read more of Donna’s articles at TheHerbsPlace.com and subscribe to her free mailing, A Healing Moment. http://www.theherbsplace.com/ahm.html

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A Course In Miracles talks about suffering not being real. That suffering is in our mind. How can this be so? The heartbreak we feel when a loved one dies, is that not real? The pain one feels when suffering from diseases such as cancer, is that not real?

To understand this concept you have to realize that you are not your body. You are a spiritual being having a human experience. It is your spirit that gives life to your body. Not the other way around. Your body is not real in the sense that it is not everlasting. Your body is your creation that you chose to take on in this human experience. When you suffer mentally or physically your ego is taking control. Your ego is not of God. It is your own doing. You can choose otherwise. You can choose God or Love to take control. When you do you will rise above your suffering. You now are in this world, but not of it.

You can let your Spirit, your God-Self take control. You will be aware of your body and your pain, but you will not be controlled by it. You will not be your pain, but that which rises above your pain. You will not be attached to your pain. In the midst of your suffering you will feel peace and joy.

Have you ever felt sad about something or had an irritating pain in your body that momentarily disappeared when you were intently focused on something else? That is how you rise above suffering. You focus on your Higher-Self, on Love, and you will not feel your pain although it may still exist. This is a difficult concept to grasp especially when you are in the midst of your own pain and suffering. It is one worth contemplating and understanding. It is one I, myself, am constantly expanding upon and learning from.

Diane LeGallee is a writer and creator of http://yourspiritualresourcecenter.org. Her mission is to serve others through her writing and website by helping others live a life of peace and joy. She hopes that the variety of products, articles, and insights she offers will help others to live their Truth and enhance their spiritual growth. She hopes her writings and website will provide the basis where others can reclaim their lives and have a truly joyous life experience.

She views herself as a servant of humanity. Personal growth and spiritual enlightenment have been her passion for over 20 years. She has immersed herself in hundreds of books related to these topics, and has put into practice with success many of the teachings. She has listened to hundreds of hours of cassette programs in these areas as well as attended various seminars to further her study and understanding of living life with passion, happiness, and inner peace. She has achieved a level of success in this area though our spiritual journey never ends.

It’s hard to change old habits and many of them go generations back, yet we have been given the power to do so and to enjoy this life, we must make the choice to always have hope lit within our souls.

I was reading a devotional book by Kathy Troccolli and she mentioned Romans 8. There is enough there that can take back a lot of ground we give over to the enemy when we succumb to the hopeless feelings of circumstances. If I just remember to ‘Stay on the Romans 8 Road I can make my way back to the Light of Hope.

How often do we fail in using and allowing God’s Word to protect our hearts and minds? Too often we look at the circumstance or the feeling rather than what God’s Word says about us. Many times when I’m up against a circumstance I can’t see the forest for the trees and I don’t seem to remember where to run for cover. It’s like my memory of The Word has been dubbed over by the overwhelming circumstances and the emotions that go with them.

Sometimes I surrender to the moment before I read Romans 8:37: “… in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” When I hear those voices saying I haven’t done it right or I’ve failed or guilt comes to cover me like a dark blanket, I read Romans 8:1: “… there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

As I walk through the most trying of situations, I read Romans 8:18: “consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

When I can hardly remember how to reach for heaven and pray, I read Romans 8:26: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”

If I think that life is too hard with trouble all around, I must remember Romans 8:28: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

When I feel like I’ve been backed into a corner with no options or way out, Romans 8:31 reminds me that “If God is for us, who can be against us?”

The Word is Truth and Faithful and Unchanging and Forever. You can’t go on feelings. Don’t let circumstances take you down. The devil will forever be tossing them at us for a laugh. The stronger we become and the more we trust in our Heavenly Father and believe and live in His Word, the less entertaining we will be to the devil and he may just leave us alone and bug somebody else that doesn’t apply the Truth and Love of the Father that they have at their disposal.

Loneliness A Problem?

The darkest nights are not reserved for those who endure loss from fire, accident, earthquake, or hurricane. The darkest hours are destined for those whose tragedy goes unnoticed. The deepest pain belongs to those for whom no rescue is intended - those who must endure loneliness.

Refuse to be alone. You can meet people in some way, whether at church, at a support group, at a club meeting of interest, or even in forums online. Don’t allow the devil to isolate you from your brothers and sisters in Christ and those kindred spirits who will resonate who you are as soon as you meet them.

Donna L. Watkins lives in Central Virginia with her wonderful husband enjoying birds, wildlife, gardening, forests, nature travel and her cat, Squeek. She has one grown-up son who inspires her life in many ways. Read more of Donna’s articles at TheHerbsPlace.com and subscribe to her free mailing, A Healing Moment. http://www.theherbsplace.com/ahm.html

Grief is difficult at any age, but it is especially difficult for teens. As www.hospice.net notes, “Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults.” While teens are grappling with grief they are also grappling with emotional, physical, academic, and sometimes, family pressures.

Teen responses to grief are similar to adult responses, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). As Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, explains on the NIMH Web site, “The adolescent may feel extreme guilt over his or her failure to prevent injury of loss of life.”

Teen grief became very real after my daughter, a 45-year-old single mother of twins, was killed in a car crash. Teens learn from adults, but I am learning from my 15-year-old grandchildren. The things I have learned may help grieving teens in your family, school, or church.

INVOLVE TEENS. Teens want to have a say in whether to bury or cremate their loved one. Asking them to help with the memorial service is another way to involve them. Months from now, teens may wish to create a memorial, such as planting a tree in memory of their loved one.

ENCOURAGE TEARS. In his book, “The Language of Tears,” Jeffrey A. Kottler describes crying as a healthy and necessary human process. But teens may hold back tears and try to act strong. We can help teens by telling them it is OK to cry.

KEEP A ROUTINE. Routines are familiar and provide structure for teen lives that are out of control. More important, routines are often links to help lines — support groups, school/church counselors, and caring friends.

TELL STORIES. Talking about the deceased helps to keep that person alive in a teen’s mind. Teens want to hear funny, uplifting stories from family members and friends. They may wish to compile these stories in a memory book.

USE PEERS. Helen Fitzgerald, Training Director of the American Hospice Foundation, thinks teens often trust peers only. A church message board may help grieving teens more than formal counseling. Many teens write about grief on blogs and this is called P 2 P communication.

HUG CAUTIOUSLY. When strangers hear about a teen’s loss they often hug them. Teens may see these hugs as an invasion of personal space and privacy. Before you hug a teen ask him or her for permission.

BE GENTLE. You need to be a good, non-judgmental listener to gain a teen’s trust, according to Helen Fitzterald. So let teens know you love them and will care for them. “Support their ideas or gently introduce new ways to approach their ideas,” advises Fitzgerald.

SEE A FUTURE. Making plans for the future, such as going to camp, helps teens to see a future and the return of happiness. As BettyClare Moffatt explains in “Soulwork,” eventually we have to let go of grief. “Let tomorrow come in joy,” she writes. “Begin again. Begin now.”

http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance nonfiction writer for 28 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com. A five-star review of the book is posted on Amazon. You will find other reviews on the Americn Hospice Foundation Web site (”School Corner” heading) and the Health Ministries Association Web sites.

Copyright 2007 by Harriet Hodgson