Everyone has to deal with the death of a loved one at various times throughout life. It is one of the conditions that is commonly faced without training or education.

The loss of a loved one is made especially difficult to confront because we live in a death denying culture. Here are 10 things you can do as part of your journey through grief that have worked for others through the years and they can work for you.

1. Find someone you trust to talk about how the death is affecting you. Don’t keep your feelings to yourself and increase the stress you are already under.

2. Be willing to listen and be open to others who have experienced similar losses and how they have dealt with them. Choose those ideas that you feel are appropriate for your use and let the rest go. Much can be learned from others who have been there and done that.

3. Practice taking your attention off your sadness and focusing on a diversion like a pleasant memory of your loved one, gratitude for all that you still have, or any topic of interest. In changing your attention it will help if you walk to another room or perform some other physical task. Switching attention is a critical life-long skill to develop.

4. Allow yourself to express your emotions. Crying is a normal human response to loss. It has a purpose: helping you cope with loss through emotional and physical release. If you can’t cry, write, paint, or draw what you are feeling.

5. Begin your new routines. With the absence of your loved one, you will have new tasks to fulfill. It’s a new life. Perhaps grocery shopping, caring for your home, car, or apartment, maybe even eating at a different time, will be different. Establishing these new routines early on is important in your grief work.

6. Trust mystery and the unseen. Many so called coincidences and synchronicities, and in some cases, special helping dreams and visions may occur. Look for them. Ask for them. They will come. They are normal. I tell every client I work with that there is nothing wrong with praying for a sign that your loved one is okay.

7. Take a daily stress break. For at least 20 minutes each day, find a quiet place, recline, and put your feet up to rest. Listen to music or the sounds of nature.

8. Discover and grieve your associated losses. For every major loss there are usually a number of secondary losses. They could be financial or have to do with meaning, transportation, companionship, dreams of the future, sex, social interaction and more, all of which are now altered. Some secondary losses will not occur for years (a graduation, anniversary, etc.). Determine these losses, talk about them, and grieve them.

9. Start looking for ways to help others even as you grieve. This ancient piece of wisdom is well founded because by seeking to give of your time and treasure to others you are taking the focus off of yourself. Your love will heal and be returned.

10. Replenish your spiritual beliefs. Many mourners find comfort in prayer and being alone in nature to speak with their creator. Nature is great therapy and thinking of your faith and values in a beautiful setting can bring comfort, new awareness, and solace. It has long been known that the more you focus on a particular thing you create more of it. Create new insights from your spiritual beliefs and how you will allow them a more prominent place in your recovery process.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

How can my grief prepare me for the rest of my life?

This is the question that this book will ask of you. It will be on every page and in every paragraph, somewhere. It will call to your spirit, and to the will to live lurking softly beneath your emptiness, and between the wearisome reminders that a love has gone away forever.

There is little in life that can prepare us for the death of someone we love other than actually losing them somehow. In terms of the irrevocability of death, there are no practice-tries or re-runs, except for the ones in our heads. There are no words we can use to describe how this kind of loss feels, that will truly prepare someone who has never experienced it for themselves. It’s one of those ‘learn it as you go.’ kinds of episodes most of us will learn to endure at least once in our lifetime. But once we’ve fallen into grief, what then? Now that we are in the thick of it, must we continue to bruise ourselves blindly on its frightening emotions?

Now that you know grief intimately, and it has presumed to enter your heart and to live within your home where you try to sleep at night, what will you do with it? Will you reject it angrily only to have it find more frontal ways of getting your attention? Will you sidestep into sickness as a way of running away from it? Will you live with it in silence, enduring it stoically until one of you gives up first? Will you settle for waiting to see how you will fair with the passing of time before figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life? There are so many choices you could make. Which one will you decide on? Have you even remembered yet that you can decide?

Let us say that the one you have lost was your spouse; what if you made the decision that this overbearing grief is the significant-other you have, right now, and so you think to yourself,
“Maybe I should get to know it …see what it reveals in Me.”, or “Could this strange and unyielding creature have something to reveal to me about my own life? What if I don’t listen? When it too passes away, what might I have missed that would behove me to know?”

It seems clear that deep shifts in our lives come with a great deal of power and wisdom attached to them, if we take the time to look around when it is happening. And every transition, large and small, hot or cold, is the fire which brings out our truest properties, and they polish us to a lustre that can either resonate more beautifully with our lives, or dull our vital tone. In other words, every joy and every sorrow can be made to count toward polishing the intent you have for your life. For, while grief can seem an un-natural and alien thing when it first occurs, it reveals our personal ground-zero, quivering and liquid core beneath our shell.

Grief can undermine our faith and can even cast a fog over who we thought we were. It challenges everything we ever believed in. And then it waits, hidden, in the dreadful silence to see what we will do. It does everything in its power to unhinge us, and to dismantle our illusions along with some of our personal truths. But to what end? Why is grief so cruel? What does it want from us? Has it not already stolen its pounds of flesh?

It is my belief that Grief is not itself a sentimental creature and therefore does not recognize the idea of cruelty. Grief is like an angel who by definition is in-human and so does not feel as humans do about anything. It is like an angel who, without access to the emotion of pity, inflicts whatever pain is necessary until we surrender the self-imposed limits of our old and tired stories, and agree to decide anew, who we will rebuild ourselves to become, in place of who we were before. That is not to say that we will become, nor should become, someone we are not. What is being pointed to here is the pearl within the shedding of our hardened masks; the masks that grieving tends to shatter, leaving a naked and trembling creature that is bear to the world, and nearly as vulnerable as the day it was born. From this place, we have the unique opportunity to redirect our lives from a less encumbered state and onto the world around us.

David Whyte put it in poetic words that give me great pleasure to repeat here. In his book The House of Belonging he writes in his poem ‘What I Must Tell Myself’:

…When one thing dies all things
Die together, and must live again In a different way,
When one thing
is missing everything is missing,
and must be found again
in a new whole
and everything wants to be complete,
everything wants to go home
and the geese travelling south
are like the shadow of my breath
flying into the darkness
on great heart-beats
to an unknown land where I belong.

Now, I will say this thing that I have in my heart to say to you. We need not surrender the love we had with the one who has died in order to move on, or to become more than we thought we could be before. In fact, it is this very love that gives the permission we tentative humans often need most in order to do just that. There is always pure love present within even the most difficult of love relationships, and in its purest sense love wants for each of us to become our most magnanimous selves. No matter through whom Love channels itself toward us, at the very root is Love’s own capacity to inspire more love. At the root of all love is Love’s constant calling to find itself everywhere. And so before I close here and begin a new page I ask again, how can this grief prepare you for the rest of your life?

Your comments and feedback at most welcome. This is a short introduction to my book (with the same title) that I am currently finishing. I am a Personal Success coach. My clients are dynamic, amazing people who endeavour to choose how they experience their lives, and they have a strong desire to make each day count toward what they want most in their lives. I also specialize in spiritual coaching as well as grief transformation.

My web address is http://www.conscioustransitions.net
You may email your comments and feedback to petalyn@comcast.net

When the death of a loved one occurs it often brings a cascade of emotions to the surface that need to be expressed. However, all too often what tends to hide in the background of grief is a combination of fear, loss of control, and worry. All three are closely related and bring an increasing amount of pain and suffering.

The imagination has a habit of taking fear and magnifying it into horrifying proportions. Then we begin to worry about paying bills, finding or keeping a job, deciding on moving, deteriorating health, or a host of other worrisome topics. We become afraid of losing what little control we have left.

Some worry is good as it helps motivate us to get started or finish a necessary task, even avoid danger. Much can be done to manage toxic worry, to take excessive worry and turn it into something constructive. Here are seven approaches to employ.

1. Decrease time spent in worry by creating a “worry time.” Find a time during the day when you can relax and spend 20-30 minutes going over whatever you are worried about. Decide on a plan to use in dealing with the specific problem. Ask yourself what information you will need to make decisions on how to respond. At other times, when you are alone and start to worry, tell yourself you will deal with it at the next “worry time” and return to whatever you were doing.

2. Plan for the worst and then devise strategies to deal with the worst case scenario. Another approach to use during “worry time” is to look at the worst possible thing that could happen if what you are worrying about came true. Like you lose your job, and have to move out of your home. Think of all the possible approaches you can employ to deal with those twin changes. Who can you turn to? Where will you stay? Discuss this with friends. Remember, planning is positive as it takes your focus away from the act of worrying.

3. Make a pact with yourself to only worry with a trusted friend. Outside of “worry time” choose to worry only if you can speak with a trusted friend about your worry. Someone else may well be able to give you a new angle to consider. There is a universal need for good listeners in times of distress. Seek them out and make use of the great therapeutic advantage they provide.

4. Take immediate action. Once you have a plan, do something, anything. Start with positive self-talk, then decide who to consult (get all the facts and information about the potential problem), and how you will keep yourself from constantly dwelling on your worry. Perhaps your next step will be sharing your plan for feedback. We all can profit from the observations of others.

5. Try thinking of some of your damaging worry as a form of self-centeredness brought on by negative thinking. Some people are able to reduce the intensity of worry by realizing that continuous worry is spiritual nearsightedness and simply feeds the internal critic who constantly looks to bring negativity into any existing problem. Keep telling yourself to guard against catastrophizing the act of worrying. Say to yourself, “Its not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I will handle this.” Then employ a diversion or your plan.

6. Be motivated to limit worry by realizing that for every worrisome though you generate you are paying a physical price on the cellular level. Because most worries never happen, keep in your thoughts the valid observation that unchecked worry takes a damaging physical toll; it drains energy. Counter the effects by taking a daily walk or do other exercise to provide a physical outlet for the emotional stimuli to muscles and the elevation of anxiety levels.

7. Prayer works in dealing with worry. At some point during each day—especially at the end of “worry time”—tell yourself you’ve done enough, and hand your worry over to your Higher Power. Ask for courage and wisdom to choose the right path, to break the out-of-control habit. Fulton Sheen said, “All worry is atheism, because it is a want of trust in God.” Trust your Higher Power will give you the insights to solve your worries and reduce the stress they generate.

In summary, if you choose to worry, make a firm commitment that you will get all of the information needed to deal with it. Push toxic thoughts into the background of your thought life. Look only at the many possibilities you possess—that is what hope is all about.

Become aware of more possibilities by bouncing your worries off of your trusted friends. Ask this possibility producing question: “What would you do, in this situation?” Take what you can use to reduce worry and let the rest go. You will tame your worries.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

Dealing with loss or trauma can be especially difficult for those who suffer from bipolar disorder. Not only are they trying to cope with the traumatic experience, but they are also trying to remain stable and avoid a depressive or manic episode as a result of the stress it caused. Some with bipolar disorder may need to seek extra support to cope with the grief or anxiety that the traumatic event causes.

Everyone experiences grief or anxiety when they experience a loss or trauma. Living with bipolar disorder can be a delicate balancing act. If something creates a lot of stress or anxiety for them, they can easily become overwhelmed and slip into mania or depression. When grieving, it is not unusual for someone to feel depressed. However, if someone with bipolar disorder grieves and feels depressed, they have to make a conscious effort to try to avoid having a full-blown depressive episode. Sometimes, the looming depressive episode simply cannot be avoided.

A support system is absolutely necessary when dealing with trauma. Family, friends, support groups, and mental health professionals can all help the manic depressive person through the traumatic event. Often, all it takes is an understanding individual to listen to the person with bipolar disorder and offer encouragement.

Helping alleviate some of the stress and responsibilities from the person suffering from bipolar disorder can help them focus on maintaining balance and managing the additional stress the trauma has caused. Encourage the manic depressive person to take some time for themselves to do something they enjoy. Taking a walk with the person can help provide exercise and social stimulation, which is often lacking. Many people with bipolar disorder tend to isolate themselves when under too much stress. This can be counterproductive to their health and emotional well-being.

If the person with bipolar disorder begins to experience nightmares, sleeplessness, anxiety, restlessness, distress, or if they are repeatedly recalling or reliving the acts of the traumatic event, they probably need additional assistance from their psychiatrist or doctor in order to cope with the trauma. Medication can help the person to manage the anxiety and distress caused by the event. It is better to get the extra help necessary to control the effects of the trauma and avoid an episode than to neglect getting help and face the anxiety and distress plus a manic or depressive episode.

People with bipolar disorder who have experienced trauma or a loss should consider expanding their support system to include support specifically related to the trauma. Depending on the nature of the trauma, support groups and specialized counseling may be available. If the person with manic depression had not been receiving therapy, they should consider doing so to help them through this difficult time.

Moses Wright is the founder of Bipolar Disorder. He provides more useful information on Bipolar I Disorder and Mania and Hypomania on his website. Webmasters are welcome to reprint this article if you keep the content and live link intact.

“My friend of 15 years has just lost her husband to a terrible accident. I want to support her in any way I can, but I’m not sure how to help.”

“My favorite aunt has just passed away. My niece is devastated by the loss. Though we have been very close in the last few years, I am unable to help her get over her loss.”

A grieving person is often a dilemma to those around him/her. On the one hand, there is a lurking fear of offering trite words of sympathy; on the other, close friends and relatives cannot step away from the grieving person compelled as they are by their own immense sense of love, loyalty and duty. Not everyone needs the same kind of support and this seems to be the crux of the problem.

A grieving person does not need a lot of advice, although a very few do. At the moment of grief, he or she needs to manage the difficult experience of parting. Simply listen, hold hands or sit quietly. When we are faced with someone else’s grief, we scramble in our minds groping for the right things to say. We forget that people dealing with loss often have a great urgency to communicate their powerful emotions. A willingness to listen and to simply be there may sometimes be the most solid support you can offer.

Contrary to what popular Hollywood flicks show us, telling a grieving person to ‘be strong and hold on’ is not the best advice to share. Most people in grief are overwhelmed by the intensity of their own emotions. Asking them to ‘hold on’ encourages them to bottle up their grief and put up a brave front. This only makes matters worse. Instead, persuade your loved one to share and express his or her deepest fears and emotions.

Even when a person is grieving, there are practical necessities to be taken care of. But at such a time, the demands and tasks of daily living can become overpowering. You can express your support by offering to do odd jobs like gardening, babysitting, paying the bills, cooking or cleaning. Encourage your loved one to take you up on these offers.

In the majority of cases, grieving does not take a linear path; it undulates and fluctuates with the passing of time. It may take an individual several months or years to get over his or her loss. Contrary to what most of us believe, people feel their loss most acutely - not immediately- but a few weeks after all support systems have been withdrawn. That is why it is common to find people mourning their loss most intensely during an anniversary or birthday. Re-engaging in life is perhaps the only long-term solution to get over the most bitter pangs of grief. As a friend or loyal supporter, help your loved one discover new experiences and events. Encourage him or her to find healthy ways to release feelings of pain and anger - such as writing a journal, exercising or volunteer work. Even when a person seems to be moving on, take care not to brush away memories of the past in a casual manner.

Depending on how much trauma a person has gone through, he or she may exhibit physical and mental reactions to grief. Depression, lack of concentration, anxiety, feelings of guilt and hopelessness may follow the loss of someone dear. Common physical symptoms include headaches, loss of appetite, fatigue or insomnia. Extreme symptoms may include chest pain or the total loss of appetite, in which case a physician must be consulted. A person weakened by grief may overlook his or her own problems. As a friend you can help by providing the necessary support.

We all live our lives with the awareness of approaching death. Still, whenever it occurs, death finds us totally unprepared. So it is common for grieving people to react in a seemingly illogical manner. As an onlooker, you have to understand that you cannot take grief away from anyone. You can only help them face their feelings and overcome them.

Memorial Urns provides the information and resources to help people with end of life planning and details. We offer a wide selection of unique cremation urns and pet urns.

In this era of globalization everything is public knowledge. Nowadays more then ever, with a simple click of the mouse we are connected in both our joy and our sorrows. And while a term celebrity is a relatively recent invention, by being exposed to humanitarians, politicians, rock stars and activists alike it is easy to feel sorrow if a person we have admired has passed away.

The example that comes to mind is the accidental and all too soon demise of the late princess Diana, that brought all of United Kingdom to a stand still for days. And who can forget Elton John’s musical tribute to her life? Grief does not discriminate and it can be equally difficult to write an eulogy for a person who has touched people across the globe. If you find yourself faced with a writer’s block, you can peruse eulogies given across the continents, to give yourself inspiration necessary to write an eulogy that is sincere and heartfelt rather then monotonous. And there are many ways of going about it.

Elton John gave a musical tribute to Princess Diana. John Cleese made a witty and distinctly profound tribute to his friend and colleague Graham Chapman, worthy of their Monthy Python days. Oprah Winfrey has written a beautiful eulogy as a tribute to Rosa Parks, explaining how this brave woman influenced her life and gave her strength to strive for more. Gandhi was remembered by his protege Jawaharlal Nehru, not by naming his accomplishments, but as a magnificent light that has shone upon India and will continue to shine even though Gandhi is gone. Nehru’s eulogy was a cry to stand united and remember the values Gandhi held dear. Robert F. Kennedy gave an eulogy for dr. Martin Luther King, an eulogy that was short, but poignant reminding Americans not to forget what Dr. King’s dream was – for them to stand united both black and white, regardless of their differences.

The examples are many, but what they all had in common is the fact that each eulogy in its own way touched the hearts of the people present. Remember that when setting about this sometimes difficult task, there is no right or wrong way. Speak from the heart and the eulogy will flow.

Find more tips about writing and delivering a eulogy speech and get free eulogy samples, funeral poems and quotes at http://www.eulogyspeech.net.

Do you need to find someone who will try to understand what you are feeling? Historically, our culture has taught us to keep our feelings under guard and the expression of grief is often considered a sign of weakness. Add to this the fact that the emotions most commonly associated with grieving—anger, guilt, and depression—have the tendency to isolate and keep people at a distance. All of this converges at a time when one of the most valuable coping techniques, a trusted companion (or companions) who will be there with you, is needed.

Can we break through the isolation barrier to dealing with grief? The answer is yes.

To begin with, let’s not forget that positive human interaction is one of the most critical components of sound mental health. Many psychologists emphasize that the quality of our interpersonal relationships is as important as the food we eat or the vitamins we take. We are social beings who thrive on interaction with others. The need for a friend, family member, or other support person during the grief process is essential to forming a nurturing community if we are to prevent unnecessary suffering.

Specifically, the ideal support person allows us to grieve in our style and not direct the course of grief. Therefore, we need good listeners first, who are not afraid to be around pain. Some of our friends may be good at helping with chores and getting things done, but are not good listeners. This suggests the importance of recognizing the pluses and minuses of your support network and the need for more than one caregiver.

● Do not be afraid to ask for help at this distressing time. The search for support obviously begins with close friends and family members who may or may not be of great help.

● Consequently, others you do not consider being close friends, as often happens, may turn out to be most sensitive to your needs. At some point, you may have to educate your support system by telling them exactly what you need at a given time: to be alone, to talk about what you are feeling at the moment, or that you need to cry and not to let your crying upset them.

● If your family and friends are unable to provide the needed support, especially for a long period of time, look for a support group at your local hospice, hospital, or church. This may be necessary when some support persons think you should be getting over it and begin to abandon you. Education about the normalcy of your experience can be an important outcome of any group. So much can be learned about grief and grief work, and often you may be able to connect with another who is going through a similar loss. Helping each other in the listening process is often a healing experience for both.

● In the meantime, learn all you can about dealing with loss. Ask the support group leader, the bereavement coordinator at your local hospice, or your local librarian to recommend readings as well as others who have been through similar losses. Search the Internet. There are many helpful websites that have chat rooms where you can ask questions of others who are further along in their grief than you are. One may turn out to be the grief companion you need. Do a Google search on grief and you will find many choices.

In the final analysis, your choices, your wisdom, the action you take will play the key role in how you cope with your loss. And your support network can help immensely. You know your needs better than anyone else. Decide who you feel is best equipped to meet those needs and be your companion in the journey to managing your loss. Then take action to reinvest in life.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

A good friend went through the sorrow and joy of celebrating her brother’s birthday one year after his untimely death. She spent the day with her mother and close family members. Grieving is a straining process and I am not making light of it. Especially, as it has affected my own life by my father’s murder, loss of friends through suicide, cancer or the like and my own mother’s current battle with Alzheimer’s.

I celebrate life, so I wrote this to my friend. I share it now with you:

At what point do we think our dearly departed loved ones want us to continuously weep over them? They are in heaven above (if you believe in such a thing) and
smiling down, no doubt saying “What’s Happenin’?”

I have lost so many friends in recent years and in my warped mind,
I would hope that when we all meet in that great beyond our first conversation doesn’t start out this way…

MJ: How’s the food here?
Friend: We don’t eat. We live on bliss!
MJ: Is that like a shake?
F: Same old MJ!
MJ: I cried a lot over you when you passed away!
F: I was right here! All you had to do was think of me!
MJ: Yeah…but…
F: I don’t remember you calling me everyday…why cry everyday?
MJ: It’s a personal thing, I guess!
F: How about listening to my favorite music?
MJ: That happens…
F: You have a picture of me hanging around?
MJ: I think in a scrapbook…
F: Did you ever tell anyone about the time we drank those beers and chased the…
MJ: Good point!
F: You see…It’s a short walk..and when your time comes…It’s not that bad!
MJ: But I missed you!
F: I was always with you! More than when I was on that revolving orb we called Earth!
MJ: But you were not with me in person!
F: Yes, but…in your heart… I never have to say goodbye! I was always there! Close by you.
MJ: (Changing the subject) So… no lobster up here?
F: When did I ever eat lobster?
MJ: Oh..I thought…
F: How much did you know about me?
MJ: Point taken! What do we do about the people we left behind?
F: We see them when they call. We hear them when they whisper. It’s cool.
Except when it interrupts our bocce game!
MJ: Whose playing?
F: Grandma…and your great great great uncle Rastus!
MJ: Say what?!

Smile! Life is not that bad.
Especially when you surround yourself with the people you love.
Here now and then.

Professional actor/writer/director Michael J. Ferruzza has over 1300 professional credits in the entertainment industry.

He is the Managing Director of The Creative Talent Workshop, the Midwest’s top training and marketing program for professionals in the entertainment industry.

He has been featured on Fox television, the Showtime movie channel, and the Modern American Homes syndicated television show.

He teaches and counsels new and experienced actors all across the United States. He speaks to schools, colleges and universities.

He is currently working on a new film project.

Loss and change are conditions of existence. They begin at birth with the massive change of leaving the cozy womb to be thrust into the physical world, and they end with the final change: death. In between, many little deaths and many big deaths take place that are stressful and demanding to survivors and call for the establishment of new routines, the development of new coping skills, and often new roles.

Regrettably, we have to learn how to manage our losses through experience because we are a death denying culture and there are few, if any, schools that teach that life involves many loss experiences or how we should cope with them when they occur. Nevertheless, no one is immune from the condition of having something taken away that is cherished.

So what do we learn from experiencing loss? If we are lucky, we are told by those who have been through many changes and much grief that it is alright to express emotion, that crying is good for the soul as well as the body, and time heals all wounds. However, time only heals when you work at healing your inner turmoil minute by minute and hour by hour. It isn’t an automatic process of simply waiting it out.

Interestingly, no one ever tells us to expect and trust mystery and the unseen to intervene. And yet, many things happen unexpectedly that ease the pain of loss. Here are some common examples.

● You intuitively sense the presence of your deceased loved one.
● A rainbow occurs on a dark day with a message of hope.
● A phone call comes from an old friend at your darkest hour.
●You hear a song whose lyrics spark an idea on dealing with your loss.
● From out of nowhere a thought pops into your mind providing great comfort and the realization that your loved one is in a good place.
● You’re alone driving on the freeway and ask for a sign that your loved one is okay on the other side, and a car passes you, pulls ahead, turns into your lane with a vanity license plate that reads BELIEVE.
● You continue to find pennies in odd places inside and outside of your home.

The list can go on and on.

The point: mystery in the form of unexpected help is always out there. Look for—be sure to ask for—positive signs even as you use tried and tested strategies for coping with the death of a loved one. They will show up. I tell every bereaved person that there is nothing wrong with praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. And there is nothing wrong in asking for their help. Also, don’t be fearful about joining a support group (it is not a sign of weakness) and/or coming to the realization that the death of a loved one means starting a new life.

Regardless of your belief system, unexpected signs always come if you are open to them. As a man in one of my support groups put it, “Believe that your loved one knows what you are going through.” And that belief will open you to the inexplicable and the wisdom it possesses. The key is positive expectation.

These signs and messages suggest that there is a power greater than the self seeking to help, that you are not alone, and that you will get through this difficult time. Refuse to cling to and have faith in beliefs that interfere with healing and accepting inevitable change (like this shouldn’t have happened to me or I can’t ever be joyful again). Pain is always a teacher, a sign to take a new road in life and sometimes to dump old beliefs that were hoisted on us by well-meaning adults in our younger years.

There is an unchartable order in the universe, often ignored, that comes through to stimulate the acceptance of loss and the changes it imposes. Allow mystery and the unseen to become another resource for coping with your loss. Expect your share of insights. Death never has the final word.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

Surviving the loss of a friend can be a difficult process. The grief and loss that you feel can be extremely hard to deal with, especially in the very beginning. My closest friend, Tory, passed away on December 23, 2005. We had been best friends for 38 years, since he was 10 and I was 12. When he died I felt like a part of me died as well, and my life will never be the same. I am learning to live with this loss, but the grieving process continues for me and for his family and friends.

I am certainly not an expert in this area, but I can share with you some things that I have done to work through this over the past year.

• We talk about Tory as much as we can. He had so many friends and now we talk about all of the good times that we had with him over the years. We share stories and events in Tory’s life that made us love him so much.
• I set up a blog to post pictures and information about Tory. His friends and family can visit the site and make comments about how we are feeling. Every month or so I hear from someone new that didn’t know that he had passed away and we spend time talking about Tory and his life.
• We call his mother regularly. She brought him into the world and I believe she is suffering the most from this loss. She is always so happy to hear from me and we talk about good times I spent with Tory. She likes to hear about what I am doing now and I keep her up to date with my life and activities.
• I collected about 300 pictures of Tory and I scanned each one to make them digital. Then I made CD’s with music in the background. During the first few months I made a new CD with different pictures and music almost every week. Then I would send them out to his mother and anyone else who wanted one. It always made me cry to watch them but I think it also made me feel better. The pictures were of Tory doing the things he loved and the music was something that he liked.

These are some of the things that have made this loss easier to bear. Tory died from choking on food. He was all alone and no one could help him. It was right at Christmas so it was even harder on us to think about. It was a horrible accident that should not have happened. God must have been ready for Tory even though the rest of us were not ready to give him up.

I will never have a friend like Tory again. By keeping his memory alive I feel that we still have a part of him here with us. My heart has not healed and I think about him every day. But I am learning to accept my loss and know that God had other plans for Tory and that I must accept that fact.

Connie Ragen Green is a motivational writer, speaker, and mentor. To find out more visit her at http://greenhouse.typepad.com/law_of_attraction